My last blog post

The truth of life, is the desire to be wanted. To have people happy for you, and not keep sick secrets about you.

I am tired. My world is different. I have decided to move forward in helping those who suffer from people who will never truly care about the mental health i know a lot of people suffer from.

We all have issues, blaming others is useless. We need to work out our own issues. I will never apologize for what this blog was used for. Those that i thought understood, chose their path, and i chose mine. Heart broken, but moving on. This blog has become useless to me. Education of others isn’t the answer for me anymore. I understand those who hate me, because i sometimes feel that way about myself, due to what i suffer from.

Good news i am going to get my Masters in Mental health counseling. I will help those people, who are treated like an illness because of actions that are dealt during episodes they cant control and dont even remember.

Good bye, it was educational to see how much this mattered to a few people, and didn’t matter to the people i was hoping to see me from the inside, instead of complaining about and during episodes.

This isnt something i am going to edit, it was very hard to end my writing career. I just dont think it truly matter’s anymore. I have been told i have a gift, well it is going back in the box and will never be used in this kind of forum. I have had doctor’s tell me i am stupid, and one say i only have two years to live. I have seen the bottom.

I dont need, nor do i want to go back to that ever again. Thank you all for the follows and comments, and understanding that for me writing was a way to find myself.

I have found myself, a person who will live and die fighting to help those misunderstood, due to having unseen illnesses. I have 5 – 4 mental and 1 physical (heart). To those with these illnesses- remember we are stonger together!!!!! Peace to all, and to all good bye!

The day i needed input, got none.

I know i am not the best writer on here. I tell my story as it comes. Yesterday was hell, but it was needed.

I dont get why people spend a lifetime with you, and just dont care to know you. I am an open book. I make major mistakes due to my illnesses and i try my hardest to clean them up.

This has been going on for 40+ years. I have referred to myself, that i was the planned mistake. They wanted a boy who was normal, they got a boy who was not. The truth is i think death would cleanse this world of a bumsickle, the has fought and fought to be normal.

That truth isn’t the real truth though, its a truth based on how life has flipped me all over. I was just about out of a mixed state, when a person who i didnt know was getting warnings, decided to set me off again.

The truth is i still dont know what the hell the person was talking about.

People- if your going to attack a person in a mixed cycle, at least bring proof, cause frankly it was in my illnesses and i have no clue. I apologize for feelings, but not stupid enough to apologize for an action i cant control. An apology means i will never do bbn it again.

I am Bipolar- i will screw up again, and if i keep expressing my feelings i will live through these tough times.

Keep getting up, we are not as bad as we think we are.

I wish i can say this is my last post. Unfortunately this is how i live, behind the curtain.

If you truly knew me… i truly hate myself, but i know part of it is my illnesses. If you think you do not understand, try living with them.

I wish i can say i am done with recovery, unfortunately that is where my life is similar and not as bad as most.

I wish i was done with NAMI, but i am actually accepted as me.

I never want to leave martial arts, it allows me the discipline to fully hide myself and be accepted based on my abilities, not who i am outside the art. Oh if they only knew me, would i be accepted? Doubtful, though with my honesty they pretty much do. For some are watching now.

I would never let them in, had i known i might have a chance to go back. I do have a chance. Life isn’t perfect.

I am a Veteran they tell me for i served over a year and due to something that happens based on mental health was asked out of my service.

I am a college dropout.

I am a black belt, i went back to college ten years later to achieve my bachelor’s, and i have eight and half years sober.

I fight this mental health crap every day of my life. Who am I, I am nobody. Just someone who wants to be better than they were yesterday. I fail once every three daysor so. Should i stop fighting?

No.

Will I irritate, and hurt most of my love ones, unfortunately yes.

Will it hurt me more, don’t know about more, but it destroys me each time.

They said friends comes and go, but family stays forever. Well not in my case. Everyone comes and goes. Some family goes, some friends goes. Some friends stays, some family stays.

When your head does not work right, people leave you, that is your lot in life.

Just keep fighting. Some day I hope I am forgiven for being broken and still trying to be better.

The life lesson is this, life is the ups and downs, our choices are either fight or flight.

I guess my father was right all along, i am a violent S.O.B. it’s just that my violence has never been about hurting people purposefully, it’s always been about fighting the inside of my head.

Mixed state ( Deadly thoughts to mania and back) the fun times.

I talk to live, but i dont live to talk.

I have been open about the pain in my head, and the desire to want to die.

Most people do not even realizes how serious i am about my situation. I am actually lucky my family doesn’t check up on me, and the seemed bothered by me. Makes hiding easier.

My psychiatrist said i am in crisis, i have met with my therapist once, but we talked again, with another appointment a week from the first.

The professionals know theres a problem, everyone else besides the few, dont know because they won’t check. Good.

No one noticed that i am no longer a mental health advocate, due to a problem of broken trust. Another story that will never be told.

Truth is i am glad no one thinks i am still sick. Except my wife and her family. I am alone, though my wife is here, but i just seem to feel alone.

BI-POLAR

People keep telling me to stop apologizing. i can name several of my love ones that do it, its not that they dont care, nor that they are not educated. The problem is they just don’t pay attention to what is they say.

Talking to someone like me, is like being full P.C. all the time. You can’t. There is no way you wont try to get me up and going while i am in a bad state, with all the wrong sayings, that actually motivates others. You are witnessing someone you love collapsing in front of you. You want to fix it. You can’t.

Here’s the problem, it won’t fix me right then. Time will give me back to the world. And i will apologize for being sick a hundred times. It’s part of the sickness. My world can be a selfish one. I don’t like, or want it to be selfish, i just dont know how to get up and do what people want me to do some days.

The good news is that i am bipolar, which means that i will bounce back from it. The problem, is not the issue; the issue is the patients of my love ones. I am a fighter, i have accomplished many things that the doctor’s said i couldn’t do. Relax into the knowledge that it will happen.

I recently just started painting, why because i can. No other reason. See my limits are my own brain, while on the down side, i can not find the strength to get out of bed, maybe i am saving it, for when i do get out of bed and accomplish those amazing things.

All my issues can be described in one word– Bipolar

Truth

So it seems that telling what i have done in life is upsetting to people. A few people have said that it isn’t relevant to life, well i am not bragging, but trying to show that we can overcome anything. No matter what.

I guess that doesn’t matter. Whatever. The message is heard correctly in one part of my life, and not in the other. Well to those that find me a selfish bastard, thats you. I am just trying to use this life to help others.

If you all think i am so arrogant. Let me tell you want i see and feel. I am a non working person, whose illnesses make them have to rely on others to survive. That is what i see.

That is not the truth of who i am, but it is who i see when i look in the mirror. The truth is between the two i guess. I have been told i brag, i am not humble, my message isnt alcoholic enough, and that people say i dont care what anyone else says.

Well the truth is, i dont care about the good things people say, or i do in life. Life isn’t about about that, it is about overcoming the bad to do the good things in life.

My journey isn’t any harder than anyone else’s. Yeah i have mental health issues, and a bum heart where the doctor’s gave me an awesome message of a lack of a future.

I still have found an awesome wife, and her family loves me. The support is beyond anything i could imagine. I am asked to talk at the local level of NAMI (National Alliance for Mental illness) on more then one occasion.

This isn’t about what I have done in life, this is what i am trying to give back. The doctor’s gave me 2 years unless i get a heart transplant, 1 year 4 months ago, yes i might survive, but i got better, not fully. I have found myself nearly being shocked to death, because i will not just sit back and wait to die.

When it shocked me 3 times in 6 minutes, i didn’t think it was going to stop shocking me. It is very scary, but i am still here trying to help others and fighting hard. Last time they checked my heart, it improved from 19% to 27%, yes i am functioning at 27% of my heart. A lot less than half of a full functioning heart.

I still feel blessed and happy in my life. I just want to help as many people as i can before the end. I might live for a minute, or 20+years. When you are told that you will not live long, and at middle age, your actually old, for at 43 there is really more of a chance that 86 will not be in your future, the world changes in how you approach life.

I live to help others, always have. Now i just have a shorter time to do it.

Hating the Carbon Copy Jr syndrome.

I am compared with other people way to much, to the extent i fully believe my own family doesn’t know me. They dont. Let me tell you not even my own head rules me. If i fear it, get beaten by it, or you like, or dont like me. NOTHING stops me from running through it.

I might project a lot. I once tried even being me, now i am. I might be like others. But no one will be told they are like me. What I am saying; now that i know i am insane, I no longer insane! 🤣😂😅🤔😎

I dont let my head rule me anymore. If people truly understood what i think- well i glad they dont. I like this statement, i might not make sense, i really do not have too.

The thing that used to ruled me, was feeling like i was a carbon copy. You are just like so and so. Now i am not. I get to remind myself of this when a person says i am like another, for a reason of assumption. The truth of life is what rules us. I am different, and no one cares what is truly the thing that destroys them the most. I look and have similarities to certain people. I AM NOT THEM.

Thats what destroyed me for years, till i realized, why would anyone care to know just a carbon copy. So i became truly COLORFUL. Thus i made a family who saw me. Thus i might opinionated, but it is truly known i have different opinions. The hurt isnt gone, how i react is. Thus the point.

The funny part of this is that those people who have spent a lifetime comparing me, are getting mad because i compare myself to the same people. Seriously i am the crazed one?