3-27-2017 Perception of the idea of now

     Learning a new way to accept one’s self, is the journey towards what I find to be both heart warming and exciting. We as a whole spend far to long in our mistakes, not seeing the process, the beauty, and the ideas that flow within the truth of who we are. 

     Self discovery has to progress within the heart and soul, for we still need to work the body, relish the fun, and strive for the senses of mind, body, and soul. We must live for the now. 

3-23-2017 Two months since finding out I need a heart transplant

  The truth of life for me, is I woke up screaming, I woke  up my wife because of a nightmare I had. The nightmare had me being the defenseless one in the dream. That is weird because I had been training in martial arts for 7+ years before my heart stopped working from heart failure, it is running at 15% as of now with medication help.

     First they thought it was meth heart, where the heart is damaged because of being a meth addict, which I was in my youth. Meth allowed me to be normal because of my ADHD. They believed it was that before they did tests and found no scarring on my heart. They then sent me to UW hospital in Seattle Wa, where it was descovered that it was genetic. It became the first of four illnesses, I was not blamed for. When you were an addict with several mental health issues, most people blame you, for things that you had no control over. 

     Here is where it got good, now this is my 42nd birthday mind you, and two months ago today. I then learned that I needed a heart transplant, two months ago, and I still am beating myself up for bringing it up, life is hard, i might not make it to my 45th birthday, now they gave me till my 44th at the most, but I am not stupid, 

     I know it is hard to figure out how long life will be in these situations. Even if I live and get a heart, someone dies, yeah I know they would have anyways. How would anyone else take that? Me I am empathetic and I have issues watching the news. I told the doctor on the first day, if it meant taking the heart from a child that needs it, I wasn’t going to do it. She told me, there was two lists, and it was based on size. 

     I want to live, I just do not want to live at the cost of another person who has more life than me. I have achieved my dream and am on bonus time, almost completing dreams two and three. I have not and probably will never get back to work, but I work hard volunteering for what little check I get on social security. I hate it, that what most people complain about, I want, and that is a job. I wish I could work, and support my medication, doctors appointments, and my family above all else. It was working out, I was about to get my bachelors degree (going back spring quarter to finish the 13 credits), so I could switch with my wife for four years or more. 

     All so she could have her turn at school, when this heart situation hit me. The problem now is, I am uncertain if I will even be alive in four plus years. I feel like I screw her over. I will fight to the very end, but I feel I let her down, my mind and now my body are nothing but a damaged mess. I won’t quit, I never do, but did my mind, and now my body quit on me? Or did I deserve this for making the mistakes I made in my life? These questions are what I think about daily. 

3-22-2017 Rocked by depression due to Heart and Bipolar

     I am bipolar type II and I am on major depression with a side Order of can’t leave the freaking house! Nice combination when you realize you might not make your 45 birthday because your heart sucks. Lucky for me I know I will break it. 

     I know people will think I am over thinking this, But I also said this is  outlet writing, and now I have realized I can’t leave my house. Screw it, I like living more than I will be considered a whack job.

      Still hate everyone’s trying to change everyone’s opinion, especially on places like Facebook where there has been things proven to be fake. So relax. But right now I am more worried about me, Yep I am selfish and pissed that my life was destroyed not for the first time, shoot not the second either. This time I brought my wife Miranda with me. Not cool. 

     Don’t freak I will not do anything stupid, thus why I write! Duh. I write to live, and I live to write. I don’t have to debate the curves of how my mind works, for frankly there isn’t a way to explain myself. I know how bad I am, I am not a fool to be told this and that. My dog only lays by side these days when I am really bad, guess where she is? She came up and woke me up by kissing me, normally she barks, she woke me from a very bad dream, so yes I understand where I am. 

    Do I find myself wanting to die, nope, I am more depressed that I might not make to my 45th birthday, they gave me till my 44th birthday at the most, unless I get a heart transplant, I know it be longer, or it could be shorter for that matter. 

     I was about to test for my second degree black belt, when this heart issue happened. Right now I can’t even last a day mostly sitting. I plan to finish what I started. I will never quit, I know what is causing this, and it will pass, but until it does, it freaken sucks. 

     I wrestle with the demons of my life, and I get up and win 90% of the time. Today I am stuck at home within a depression, unlike I have had in a great while. So I will write, I  will read, I will watch cartoons, or I do anything that will take me away from my thoughts! Life today, or this week will not be easy, but life is not easy, it is just life. Your not Guaranteed a good life, your just granted a life, until it’s over. Hoping I have more life in the future. 

     I think about the fact that a death will happen, if I am to live. That is the toughest thing for me. It isn’t the heart, it is how they will get it. I understand that the person would have died anyways, but living with empathy my whole life, makes it difficult. I hope this blog allows you to understand why this bothers me. Peace to all.

3-20-2017- Realizing Life is Easy, when the hardest part is getting out of bed! 

    Today is a hard day, I find the truth of my changes to have been instilled in who I am. As I write this, I feel like the center is love, where is the establishment of my hatred of the crazy that is in me today? As in why did it take me this long to want to find what is successful, and what is a bad mindset 

     I am calling today psycho Monday, for I meet with both my psychiatrist, and therapist today. I have no heart appointments today. I actually am out for the last time, and it is going to be a long day, I can’t until Friday, when my wife gets paid. I am out of gas after today. Money is going out faster then it comes in. I hope life gets easier soon.

     Perception of my life has changed each day making me stronger, and more adaptable as I am able. Why can I not be one of the people that find peace and harmony in their lives? I guess for me that would just be too boring. I don’t do boring! My life might not always be fun, but boring it is not. 

    I am got through most of the day when I contacted a friend, they got back to me, I found out they had lost someone else to mental health. This person has lost more than me. She has been my biggest supporter. I was so tired today, I crash when I got home, but I got her message when I woke up, instead of being upset, this person said I should write down my recovery tips. See the reason is this; the truth is I have gone through a bit in my life, and I have stayed strong, and I am not afraid of my worst nightmare, for that person is me.

     I will do that on one of my future posts. I am not an expert on much, for the hardest part of my day isn’t the mistakes, the fear, or the realization my heart at least isn’t going to make it to my 45 birthday, it is getting up and walking out among people. I get very extroverted because I am a very intense introvert. I love books, learning, writing, and practicing martial arts by myself. 

     I can do without the compliments from others, I love helping people, I truly do not want to be noticed. It isn’t a bad thing mind you, I will do about anything to help my people lose the stigma that is thrown at them. I have put myself in the finals of a tedx event that would have put me in front of 100’s of people, and peers from the University I attend to help them, Thankfully it didn’t happen. It wasn’t the glory, it was the idea that no one realizes that a man like me might be scared out his mind, he will cry in public, but in the end I will work through it, for the good of the whole.

     I find that people have to say this a lot “what other people think of me, is none of my business”, I have to say ” what I think of myself is none of my business”, most people have stated more positives about me than I would have ever imagined. Do not get me wrong, I am not liked by everyone, I just usually agree with them. I told my life to a group of guys that reside outside my normal comfort zone, can you imagine my surprise when they were pointing out that I can be put into one positive word, “Perseverance”. I like that. That is something I can handle, for it doesn’t say abnormally strong, different, or anything actually. 

     I am a normal guy, a man who is not any different than others who get up each day and have to work through their difficulties, I feel I am lucky actually, after I leave the house it tends to be gravy from then on. See when the hardest most difficult thing in your life is getting up and leaving the house, the rest gets easier! That my friends is no joke. Peace

3-19-2017

     Relish in the process of that onto  which made you, the person you see in the mirror each day. Understand the victories we have in life, are the ones done together as whole, not as individuals.     Place your heart in gods hand, and journey forth with the guidance place to you. The truth of life is the discovery of the fact the life will be shorter than you will ever believe. Today I find myself making out my will, and a power of attorney at 42.

     Live for others, and upon finding mistakes, fix them. The life of one isn’t meant to be that important. We are here for the entire whole. To become successful isn’t about what you gain financially, it is the process unto which you lean, discover, and help.

     It is a we that the true journey begins, where the meaning of the true life upon which there is no greater gift, to be a we. Miranda is my 28th birthday gift, a gift that so giveth daily, the ups, the downs, we met all around, swinging in a flow of us. I would not change my life, no matter the struggles.    

     Find yourself the tricks that allow you to better ones journey in the future. The idea is to never give in or up in life. Always continue to work for a higher purpose than what you want in life, you will never know if it will be cut short. 

3-18-2017

    I have felt like every post is basically the same, So I will try to write a little differently. Life was for me was always changing, once I became used to a place, way of life, or I knew to many people I would escape. I have move 51 times since I was a baby, and before I met my wife at 28. I move 3 times since then, for a total of 54 times.

     This time I decided I have had enough of that time of lifestyle, for you know you have been at a place to long when the backup postman is someone who is not just a friend you know, but a Facebook friend as well. Where I live I have seen my tattoo artist at my doctors office, my doctor at the gym, I was part of phi theta kappa with my psychiatrist’s son, and now this.

     The truth is I am no longer a stranger to myself anymore, I have let people in. I find it weird that people remember me when it takes me a minute to remember them. This has never happened before in my life, and compliments are abound from a lot of people. I still have to fight the inner me to accept these things, I totally feel like running away.

     Truth is if this is the end for me, I am in the right place. I believe my teachers like me, my martial arts family likes me, my other family’s like me, and weirdly enough; I think I am beginning to like me. This might be to late in the game for me seeing as I might not have much time left, but here is the good news, that doesn’t matter, I feel like I helped the one person I was meant to help, I might never know who that is, but I feel like my life was not wasted. 
     I was taught that to have a successful life, one must have one great friend, and help one person. My life was beyond this, and I have a few years left, with a possibility of more if I get a heart transplant. I live for my wife, I live for my families, and the biggest part is I invite all into the realization that we all are family. We battle things that are unseen each day.

     We walk a path that others find to be impossible and yet we find away to cope each day. My hardest part of each day isn’t the insanity of overly talking because I am truly an introvert, it is actually getting up and leaving the house daily. My struggles are not with others, for that would be to easy, truth is my biggest struggle is with myself. I find my battles to be very difficult and trying. 

     Here is the good news for me, I am not a quitter, I battle each day to be better than I was yesterday, and most importantly I am winning. This is how I know I am winning, because I am depressed and yet I am still getting up. I am still trying, if I don’t get something done, I will just move on. I figured out something great, no one, I mean no one, and this includes myself can stop me, once I decided to finish what I started. 

    Not Mental health, Addiction, or Heart failure, not any of these things, see even if I die in by January 2019, I will win because I got up and did what they said I couldn’t do. I accomplished what the doctors told me was impossible, and I rubbed the noses of those who deemed me trash, by doing what they said I would not be allowed to do. 

     Life is not easy, life is life. We find our places through hardship and pain, and through failure, and success. Where were you when you discovered the life you were meant to lead? Did it take a path that might lead to death to finally realize you are more alive then ever? Or will you realize that for you, life isn’t perfect, and from now on, you will fight on, harder and stronger knowing that someone else took it in the chin and will find your vicortories in another’s mistakes. I have live, learned and accepted my life through not only my mistakes, but others as well. Please don’t find yourself when it might be too late. Fight yourself, get up, it is a struggle, and begin a new life. Peace from your friend- Bruce