Mental health night! How a bipolar spins. This is just a thought pattern of 43 minutes. 

It is 2:26 am I am up thinking on the day, it is the first day of what tomorrow holds. People don’t understand the idea of hatred of ones self, doesn’t exclude the love of others. I have fought what others say about me, understanding my own family, doesn’t really want to understand me. Not all, but most. Less than a handful even care. The truth is I hurt the ones I love, I hate apologizing, for my illness is still there, and I will do it again. I try for one goal. BE BETTER THAN I WAS YESTERDAY! Learn to find peace in my heart. I want to tell those who define me, by unjust words. Words hurt me. I have been left for dead, my vow to never fight since I was twenty, allowed that to happen. But I love to fight? No what I love to do is fight for my love ones. I have never fought for myself, unless it was to end future fights. Here it is, I do on to others… Period, I expect, everyone to hate me. Last year a man in a blackout hit our car with a beer bottle, I shook the mans hand and used it as an opportunity to help him. Is that a person who loves to fight? I am just wrong daily, been asked to leave a church, because of way I looked, treated differently when I dress differently. I have no extended family on my side. I believe in, I am loved because I brought Miranda into the family. The fact is I don’t truly understand…family. I want to either run or hide. I never do anything half assed. It was “Suggested” I go into the military. I not only did, I entered as E3- BTFN within a year. Did it matter? Nope. As I don’t. I can piss and whine for another 20 minutes. But frankly this was stop payment on the rent in my head. If anyone is bothered by this, to bad, to like me, it is ok either do I. But no one wants to talk about who I am, what I do, especially how someone like me thinks. I get lectured on how I should suck it up, and remember I don’t matter, everyone else does. Problem is I know this. Someone made a big deal about my decision to do what I do best. Walk away. They talked about bonus time. Check this people I am on bonus time. 1999 I tried to end my life, because I listen to a doctor. The reason doesn’t matter, what matters I should have died. You know how people truly understands what that means to me? It was my illness talking, as it is now. It says I am no longer here for me. I dedicated my life to helping others. But my illness is a struggle daily. This is just thoughts people. Today no of this matters- MIRANDA IS ALL THAT MATTERS! Oh and the perk of driving her crazy! Lol. Listen I have Bipolar and Add- bipolars are like BUMBLES we Bounce—–Rudolph reference. One day I am Miranda’s worst nightmare, the next her Best friend. That unfortunately is my illness. Do I give up? No. People will never want to know me. I am not what they wanted. It is ok, as long as Miranda wants me. I am truly GOLDEN. So this is what goes on in my head. This is my mental health piece. I am hoping to show that mental health isn’t just a phase, nor is it going away. We can fight it together. Most people will ignore this, as I have felt ignored. The truth is, I wasn’t ignored, I just wasn’t talked to. It felt like that. I feel like I don’t have the right to have anything. I feel like I gave up life, when my illness struck me down, making me a disgrace. I am sorry to tell you. My experience brought me further, than I would have gone, if I felt differently. Get out of the wambulance 🚑. and let’s help people realize- mental illness does NOT equal defective. Open your mouths the next life you save can be your own. Peace and good fortune. Remember this is just a day in the life of an unseen illness. You got a problem- it is your problem. I am going to speak out. I will open doors, I will do what I do best and help people. This blog is designed for a opening of hearts, through poetry, mental health days, and travel. This is a life of a couple who have been dealing with mental illness. I have them, my wife has me.

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