I only state my feelings. The truth is no matter the proof of the hard work, and help. I feel the destructive nature of what goes on in my head. I feel that if I hold on to it, I will burn up and revert back to who I once was. I am not trying for sympathy, I am doing what I always do. Stating facts, that are the gears that drive me forward. The unseen is there. This is what my illness does. The thing people try and say isn’t real. Unfortunately it is. It isn’t a made up fantasy. I truly fight these feelings and thoughts daily. I am opening it up to all to see what my illness is really about. Hiding is over. It is time to become who I need to be. My path was opened to me by my higher power(God to me) been in recovery to long. The pain we go through, is the vehicle unto which brings us to the path of where we fit the most. I am an advocate for those like me. The ones that are mistaken as misfits, outcasts, and drug addicts fit as well, for meth became my savior, 16 years after I stopped using it. It allowed me to work and function. It was the lifestyle to get it, the other stuff added to it, made it impossible. For street drugs are more acceptable than what doctors give to those like me. Quite frankly the meds don’t cure what ails me either, I still think and act badly due to my illnesses, I am not forgiven, as a person that has a physical ailments are. I am patted on the head, and asked to change. I am not saying that I didn’t work hard, that I don’t know who helped me along the way. I am saying that there is more to what ails me than people know. I am tired of people saying I am a braggart when i just state facts, or told I am not humble, because I don’t understand how to talk good about myself. I just want people to understand it is me that is wrong, not them. I know my demons, I fight them everyday. I just don’t want to do it alone anymore. I want my demons exposed to those I love and admire. To lessen the attacks on me. That is why I told the truth of my thoughts. These are feelings, they are not logical, nor are they outside truths. They are my truths, the destructive nature of having something, most consider a false hood. An unseen illness of the brain that causes me great pain everyday. That’s all. I fight to believe in myself. But you have to agree, I fight damn hard. Otherwise I would have quit long ago. I use mind tricks, others, and I use self knowledge of the situation to beat these demons daily. I am tired of fighting alone. I am tired of hiding this. I am tired of hating success, compliments, and any good thing to happen to me. If you think I am the only one, I am not. Everyone has some issues with thinking like this. And maybe 1 in 10 have this in the severity of myself. I am not unique. I am just loud. 😱

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