It has been a few days since I shared on here, the reason is, the last post was right before I was hospitalized for number 23. I begun to go down further as each day came and went. I tried posting, and talking  about the fact that I was dealing with my illness. It is not that no one cared, it was the beginning of Fall, and my Bi-Polar loves to jump out during weather, and Season changes. Added with the stuff going on here at my house, my illness was about to take me down a path I would find so scary and hard, I almost vowed to never ask for help again. The 12th day of September started out very, very badly. My wife ended up asking a friend of ours to drive me to the ER,  I was admitted into the room my wife refers to as mine. I have been in the room on more then one occasion. The last time was four years ago September, i have been hospitalized more in September than in any other month. In the ER they brought this team of three into see me, to determine if I needed a bed in one of the lovely hospitals that house those like me. Well it was ok at first, then they came back in after leaving for awhile and said the exhausted their resources and nothing was available. The pisser was these people who were supposed to be helping me, they left all happy. While I got to sleep in the ER all night. They gave me a small can of soup, and one glass of water, for that whole visit. The Morning comes, they brought in another person to find me a bed, they found one quickly. So much for the new dream team. Now the nightmare truly begins, I ride an ambulance all they way to the place my wife and I moved from, the place where I couldn’t leave my house for four years. I was taken back to where I lived in hell, a place where a crazy person was there, every time my wife left, I was alone. Now back to the present, we get to the hospital, it is bad, dirty showers, no education counseling, and a hell of a lot of no control by the so called nurses and doctor. They treated us, as if we were not truly there, for the majority of the time. The so called doctor condemned my doctor for my medicine, when it has been the longest time between hospitals, since I was 19 years old. I have accomplished nothing, but my dream, and college. I am getting close to the dream that was born from achieving my dream. So for this jerk to condemn my doctor, that showed me life, was beyond petty. They shut the door and left my parents and myself in a room for a while, when their rules say that is a no, no. There was a lot of madness, one such issue was a patient locked in a room, I was told she destroyed, her roommate, who did nothing was put in the seclusion room. There was only a thin wall between my room and theirs, I struggled with this, it became a physical pain for me,  as I listened to the screaming and banging. I guess you can say I suffer from an overwhelming empathy issue. The last thing I will write here, was a breach of confidentiality of the person who was trying hard to get me to say things that would keep me in the hospital. The person talked to me about my reason I wouldn’t change roommates. I was talking about my feelings of the person acting in a certain way, the person who was taking the assessment told me something I didn’t know about the person they wanted me to share a room with. I said no, only because I didn’t want to connect with more then just a few people. My roommate I had, was an awesome person, and I thought it the best fit for me. It was the first time I connected with a person, that was close to my age. My best friends, one is 24 years older, and the other is 12 years younger. It is hard to maintain with my social anxiety, and I was comfortable where I was at, especially since, it was the worst hospital I had ever been in. It was my 23 hospitalization, and many were in the area of this hospital. No I didn’t count them each time I went in, I had to look back, because I am trying to get my military discharge changed, and I also I had to look back when I got on social security. I am asked the question by many people, so I figured I would answer it out right. Thus I left the hospital to early, i left on the 15th, three days were not long enough. I am better each day, even in my struggles, I find the solace in the positives I obtain in my life. This struggle is hard, and I have decided to do what I always do, speak out, suffer the consequences of that, and keep on my journey to my daily goal, to be better than I was yesterday. Someday I hope I can see myself, as my wife sees me. So I journey to my next big step in 20 days, my second degree black belt test. This is a major step in the process of my next dream. I know I talk about the past too much, and I repeat myself lot, but what you get from me is complete honesty. It gets me in trouble a lot. To make people aware of what my journey is really like; I must show my thoughts, as they truly come together, or as best I can. To those that suffer from the unseen, we must attempt to show that we can raise above the stigma, and succeed when people doubt us. I am not special, just a man who seems to struggle with the idea that my normal is a place worthy of the grace, I have been granted. Peace all

Bruce

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