The guarded truth.

I am not writing this to hurt no ones feelings, I will always help in any way, but what is inside must come in to the out now ( yes I watch to many cartoons). People must see the illness, the issues one such as myself lives with. I do apologize to those that think this about me complaining. I am truly expressing my illness, nothing more. The truth is, I tell people that doing things at the last minute hurts me internally, they insist upon doing it. My grandma has nurses coming in, so I can’t leave my room, someone has to take care of the dogs. When they say she can’t take one out the dogs, when someone else is home, how do they expect her to take out two dogs? the dogs need to go out! They struggle to obey me. With Eagles, Hawks, and other animals around the house, it is difficult to get them to listen to her, or my wife, oh they listen to me, but I am being told I do to much, yet the corner stone of all my hard work is coming in less then 38 days, I am stuck here. Why? Because i am doing to much that takes away from the ease onto, which I help others. I am doing to much towards my selfish goals. To get back to work, and off of social security, it would not be so painful, but it was last minute, and I expected, when told it was the weekend, it met Friday, thus I could accomplish what I needed. The last few days I have been under a horrible depression, a depression that felt like, the one that caused me to stay home and hidden for, four years. I have to force myself out of bed. I physically hurt in ways that are unmatched by a beat down. For my head controls my body, but what truly controls my head? The issue is not the hanging out and baby sitting the dogs, shoot one is mine, I have her picture tattooed to my leg. The issue is timing, I need time to prepare, I tell people over and over again, if you cancel on me,  call me, don’t text me, if you want me to do something, give me notice. These are not requests, I just thought up, these are things that help me not freak the hell out. Do not stop me when I am leaving the house, for I have to fully work at leaving the house daily. Don’t hit me up with questions as I come home, for I have to process, and unwind the crazy that rocks through me, being around other people. It takes a lot to hide me. Not the true me, the sick me. The one that can barely move through life, the one that has to force himself to get through the daily grind. I have to use mind tricks most times, that I need to get something done. I use the idea that “my wife deserves a better man, I must become that better man, because I am a selfish prick.” I watched a friend leave his house and do things for his kids, he once told me he could not do what I do. Until I told him the truth, he taught me how. I had to remember that my life is tied to another, by love and acceptance, for that is why I must journey outside my comfort zone. Truth is I have not know a comfort zone in 6 years. I work hard to accomplish the little things, the big things? Like getting my black belt, becoming an assistant instructor, graduating with honors from a two year college, and going to a four year school, those things are fun, the degrees mean nothing to me. See when you have not one, but two doctors tell you, that you are not that smart, it helps you see that learning is the only true goal. I only freak out, when filling out the graduation stuff, as I did this summer. The truth is what most people take for granted, is the hard stuff for me. Asking for help, most don’t realize this about me, when I asked for help when I was younger, about my illness, they locked me up in an institution only 22 times. People say asking for help with my homework is not the same thing, can someone please tell my mind that? The truth is the educated, and those that work with us, mental health clients, they half understand, they understand the symptoms, they are more understanding than most. They dont see what is inside, they come from a frothy emotional appeal, they understand what we show them, they don’t fully see it all. I love those that support me, I am hoping they understand that, I am trying to show people the inside truth of my illness, I am not trying to point out wrongs, rights, or indifference. This is the truth of my journey. This is the truth of who I am. I am so fed up with people assuming what i go though, to do the small things. I use to want to be normal, or as normal as one can get. Now I just want to find myself. The one I have been hiding out of fear of being rejected. I want to stop hating myself, see I don’t worry about what others think of me, because 99 % of the time, it is better, than how I think of me. The journey is realizing who i am, it is not about who I think I am, the journey is discovering the love of myself. To find my place in the mist of those that thing they are normal. 
Bruce- living in the integrity of my journey. 

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