The destruction of me- to the evolution of me

I have not posted in awhile, not because I have not wanted to, but because my heart literally failed me. I have spent 19 days in the hospital for Congestive Heart Failure. I am paying for my want and desire to fit soceities norm twenty years ago. I was a Meth addict in my youth, it started the damage that nearly killed me this year. I made the choice, so I pay the price. The idea that I must change my life is not new to me, it just takes the energy I have daily to work though them. I have nearly died three times in life, all due to my mental health. Only once did I tried taking my own life, for you see my desire to fit in, as a young man lead to the other two, both due entirely because Meth allowed me to work, and function as a society normal person. I understand this now, but now it is it payback time. The truth is do I whine about it, or do I just work on finding where I stand now and tell my story so others might realize that it can happen to them as well? I choose to do the second one, for if life taught me anything, that is if you help just one person, your life is worth it. I was living my dream, I received my black belt, I was an an assistant instructor, teaching and working on my instructor certification, I graduated from a two year school with honors, I was 23 credits from my bachelor’s degree, this from a man, who never fit in, the military dropped me at 19, I was homeless for a bit, my x-wife dropped me due to a failed suicide attempt, which I attempted, because my doctor at time told me to stop taking my meds, so I did. Do not ever just stop taking psych meds! It was early in my first diagnosis. A lesson that allowed me to find my present wife, and biggest supporter, remember this, life is not over just because you have bad times, it is just life, give it time it will get better. I am now awaiting that change from the madness of this set back. I am waiting, I am not blaming life on others, these choices were of my own making, even listening to bad advice from a doctor. I  will not worry about them, I will grow from them. Living for today, is realizing the negatives, and working on them for a better you.  I am just saying, if life was easy, everyone would do it. Life is not easy, but in the end, if you just make it through the struggles, it can be amazing. I once sat in my house for four years, so I understand about feeling the pressure of giving up. The government told me I  needed to be placed on social security, I did not want it. I have used the last eight years to volunteer in everything I love to do, so I can pay it forward, but at first I just fell into a major depression. I worked from the time I was fifteen, until I was twenty seven. I had a major episode and was fired for the first time. Unemployment was a given, all I needed to do, was prove I was diagnosed bipolar. I had a problem, I could not afford my meds if I did. I went to the state. To get help so I could afford my meds, I had to apply for social security. I was awarded it in three months, I never wanted it, I am just honest. I follow the rules, and I only gave them information on eight hospitalizations. I believe at that time I had around fifteen, now it is twenty three for mental health. The C.H.F. Hospitalizations were only two and three for physical health, last time was when I was six years old. I just wanted help to get my meds, until I could find another job. I had two jobs that lasted over a year and a half. In both of these jobs I changed departments a lot. That people, is not holding down a job, that is barely surviving myself. Fourteen years later, I was just about to escape the system, then wham, I was hit with the heart issue, my credit is destroyed, I can drive, and I am wearing a defibrillator vest 24/7 until doctors tell me I don’t have to, I can only take it off to shower. Life is still good, I have great support, all my families except one visited me in the hospital, my recovery, martial arts, NAMI, first school friends, blood, my wife’s family, and the one that did not was my school that is an hour away, but one of my professors drove out to check on me after I was released. They did not visit, because it was towards the end of the quarter, and I did not tell them, until I got home from the hospital both times I was admitted. So the support I have is bar none unmatched in life from the 50+ other places I lived in life. Find your place, i hope you find the love I have here. Peace
Your friend,

Bruce Alan Weller Jr

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