The journey I set in my life was about ‘suggestions’ and desires gone bye bye. I lived a life of unwanted desire to be apart of, instead I found myself apart. The military thought me damaged, and so did I, thus damaging myself far beyond the point of no return. I allowed several doctors to convince me to up meds, or not take meds, where my life was almost forfeited, and still can be. I truly feel that I am not going to make it. I want it know at the end of this Christmas that I hope I will be here next year. Though all my joking and sarcasm I have a damaged heart, I am paying for my past, I understand heart surgery is no big deal. That isn’t a point I agree with. I am now treated and helped as I should have been at the beginning of my mental health. I am allowed mistakes because I am now considered sick, not looked down on. The funny thing is you can’t see this illness either. Why is that those that torture themselves are also tortured by others? If there was no mental health issues, my physical ones would not be here, or at least as early. I am castrated by the suggestions of others, trying to be a better man than I was yesterday. I will not have a future beyond this life, that was a choice by another as well. So how must it end for such as me? A lonely bitter old man with a beautiful wife that deserved more? Or will it end as a success story of surviving the worst decision I ever made? To serve our beloved country, to help make it a better place? For when I asked for help, they kicked me while I was down, left me 3000 miles from my home, and said have a nice day loser. Stating I was of sound mind after at least two documented suicide watches. Where is life where honesty is no longer the accepted communication style? Where people assume and believe what they want? Where is it said you are forced to live with a choice you made as a 19 year old kid, forever. I have avenged every single failure, with almost ultimate success, surpassing every goal, save one. The one that would not allow for second chances, the one that threw me away like garbage. The lifestyle I had was based around choices I made as a freshman in high school. I desired to follow the directives, trying to understand my father, and myself. I was never a child, until I became an adult. I was assulted in every way, not by my family, but those that truly did not understand how sick I was. I was born sick, I stayed sick due the issues that laid hidden around me. Shoot my own family blocks me from them, how evil am I? Why am I also so very lucky, and yet so destroyed everyday? I am grateful for a lot. I have true friends now, as I spend each night in morbid thoughts, and each day with a grateful spirit. To tell truth in this, I am bipolar, I don’t just have; how I live, think, and feel will run the gambit of everyday. I truly can not fathom a day of peace, in which I am fully content, happy, or sad. Peace is a hope and gift I will truly never fully have. I journey to find that which I no nothing about, for life starts to get on track, wham I am having yet another near death experience. Truth is my name is Weller, because that is all I will ever be Weller than before, or after. Never truly just Well. I state my hope in this one word- Peace and live by another Integrity. For I try to walk my talk, and talk my walk. My judgement is based on how well life will mesh with another, I will give up if we seem to not fit. Not how some looks, talks, feels, or otherwise. This is done so I can stop thinking about it all and sleep, not like many read it, but to those who do I hope our Similarities will bring us all closer, while our differences will expand our worlds! Live life to the fullest. It might surprise you.
Bruce

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