Today i try to begin my new journey of thoughts

I started out in life with great parents, a tough childhood due to the outside world. What learned in life is this, when life breaks down, we need to adapt. I was asked to leave the USN at 19 years old, lived homeless for 2 1/2 years, did enough things I regret to survive it. I have been fighting recovery for 20 years, last year became 7 years for me. Truth is my journey was worse when i got into recovery. I found out i suffer from 3 mental health issues. I have been hospitalized 22 times while trying to get recovered from myself. Once i spent 4 years isolating from others, except my wife. The government pushed me into social security disability. I have wanted off since 6 months before i got it. I applied once just to get help for my meds, it was required for Medicaid. It was suppose to be temporary, that people was 14 years ago. My life started to fall into place 6 years ago. I started martial arts at 35 and achieved my dream of becoming a black belt, went back to school graduated with honors (seriously I barely graduated high school) with my AA and 4 certificates, i went on to the university. Now here comes another set back, that again changed my destination in life, i am 13 credits away from my bachelors, i was two weeks from my second degree black belt test. The journey and my life crashed before my eyes. I ended up with an enlarged heart and i missed one quarter, the university was not very nice about me getting sick. They forced loops on me that were heartless. I refuse to give up. I will be there in spring to spite them. I was told i need to have a heart transplant in 2 years, no big deal, because i heard the one thing, no one ever said to me before – it is not your fault that you are sick. The funny thing is when anything happens, i was trained to take it on. Not by anyone person but by the requirements of society. Society dictates mental health isnt true, or it is caught due to drug use. It has no sympathy for those that truly took drugs for mental health illnesses. So i blamed my life on myself, doctors said you are not smart enough, people said you can’t, and the best way to work through that? Is sticking it to them. Now i have an illness that is also unseen, but it takes away the ability to push myself physically. I now have to adapt my journey to fit. I now mush rediscover what i can do, so i can stick it to my body. Life’s to short to be controlled by our limits, we just need to find the routes around them. People tend to like me, me i tend to ask why? It is how i started in life, having my trust betrayed by other people. When i am sick i do not ask why me?  I ask why not me, i am nothing special. When i am told i am loved, i do ask why me? So here i am a limited 42 year old kid, who loves practicing and teaching martial arts, and learning and writing, so since the former is out for awhile, i will attack the latter. I will blog more, and continue to write my book, it might never sell, but hey do i give up? Or do i march on. I hear people get depressed when they find out they are closer to death then ever before. I have had 3 near death experiences. I minimized the first 2, not this time, now i attack. Depression and i are great friends already, i know how to get up when it hangs out. It hurts like hell but it passes, once it realizes it can’t overtake you. My trajectory now is to focus on my writing, and to understand life is way to short to let in old friends like depression, ptsd, mania, and adhd. As long as i understand i am not alone i can overcome anything. And trust me i have tried pushing EVERYONE away at one time or another. Live for today, work on be better than you were yesterday.

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