Who I choose to be today.

You must all know that I am very unnerved by my physical limits, I am fearful of dying, but I have no decision in that. Death is when your heart stops beating, is what we learned in life. How to keep a person alive is keep their heart beating right? What happens when they tell you that you need to change yours out? That your heart is running at 15%, up from 10% only because your taking 15 meds to make that happen? Would you be upset? Would you not try for every moment to make it a good life? I keep these feelings out of it, they are no go to anyone, especially myself. I want to make other people happy, hang with family, and friends alike. I don’t want to be a downer, I don’t like getting or making people upset. We each grieve over different things, I choose to hide the fact I believe that a heart transplant is a serious surgery, and I have a chance to not come out alive. I have started back to church, been in close accidents doing what I am not suppose to- pushing myself. I grew up pushing myself beyond my limits, now I am just suppose to stop. I am better than when this began, not all the time. I began life with people telling me what I can’t do. Now I really can’t do it. No Big deal for me, I must move forward, I must take each step. For there is no choose in life. The meds I take now, and after the transplant will affect my bipolar- so remember how much I hate that now, I get to look forward to less control later. No matter what happens this is my time to be in the best control of who I am. In two years if it happens like the doctors say- I will not be the same man I am now. Would that not scare you? I just don’t want fear to destroy what is going on now. I want to live the best I can. Make freaky jokes in surgery, enjoy my time. For life is short, and I am done losing time because of me. Peace

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