The idea that my dreams aren’t truth of my heart, or symbols of a crazy man have not have had them. I wonder why my dreams have been of school as of late. Is my dreams of fear that I won’t make it, or are the visions of times coming? To me they seem like away to broker an understanding of my desires.
Where does my heart stand these days. This last dream is about me not getting my work done, mixed in a confused state where I argue about why I didn’t get things done. That might have been in my past when I was in high school, but it will never be my reality in spring. It was not even my reality in since I started college.
This is a fear that has driven me for years, it works through my mind like a torpedo that gains speed as school becomes closer. The reason for it, is that this is my last quarter, if I make it through my classes. I am at the finish line, and I already started my spring quarter, as soon as I was registered this became my independent study project. As in as soon as started writing dates this blog as become my class.
Each day I work to improve my writing, I focus on my editing skills, my ability to just write everyday to have something to edit. This is the end for me. I will be done soon, because I will have to wait till a new heart to move on to my masters.
I certainly can not wait till I am back in school. The truth is, I would do this forever if I could, but life will happen. The idea that I have to take a break sucks. So I know that a piece of me will leave me soon. I have come a long way in how I write, in how do things, and how I think. I know this because of the shock that people have over my writing.
These people have seen my writing since before Community College. The shock was fun, but in the end they will never see it again. The truth is the testing board will be the only ones that will from now on. This would have happened if I had won aswell, for I don’t like putting myself out there. The fear radiates in me that blocks me from trying that again. If they want to read what I write it will be on here, or in the books I will be writing in the future. I love to write, but my passion is not to compete for martial arts stuff, it is for me.
I write to be me, a way to let things escape my brain and show people what my life is like, and how I think, it is not to win small prizes to things that I truly can’t do in the first place. I live in reality, and it tells me that my lot in life isn’t to be scared, but to do what is right. The truth is martial arts, and my writings are two separate parts of who I am. I will combine them only when I have to. My journey in life is to bring my life to the end in the best way I know. If I live through this I will be stronger for it.