So check this, weather is a changing, life is a sucking! I am flipping out while I am switching to my friend depression. I am a walking along when I realize that depression was here again. “hello my friend, I thought I threw your ass out.” 

     “you did bro, but I came back, as I always do!” Says depression- “we’re partners in life, it is what it is, with bipolar and now with your heart. For your heart isn’t the only damaged part of you, ask anyone. You’re broken as always,  now and forever!” 

     “Thank you my friend, I should have know, because I have lost everything, I figured it was weird I was happy.” I can never be happy for that is not my lot in life, I make others happy. Miranda, my mother, my nieces, my sister, my in laws – these are the people I need to make happy, for me it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. 

      I have a short time here, or someone dies for me, either way it will suck for me. I know they would have died anyways. Hell, it still will suck! Ugh when my life was easier, oh yeah it never was, my life has always felt off! 

      At least now I know this is just the change in seasons that’s coming! And it will pass, but it will be hell till it does! and I am use to hell! It has been awhile since I have walked a path of turmoil, but I have lived through hellish times before. I just need to make it through spring quarter! The truth is I need to accept and become, as I have with everything that has come my way. 

     Allow the journey to become my teacher, and realish in the fact that for me, the game might be coming to an end. I will never quit while I am upon this earth, I will strive to finish what life has allowed me to start. The process of what I have become, is why no matter what happens I will carry on. 

     I am thinking of forsaking my series until after my heart transplant, and beginning something for my wife. I want to put my life on paper, to write who I am, and how I became the man she loves. A way to say thank you, and goodbye if that be the case.

     I won’t announce it till it is done. This is what came to my heart tonight, a thing I was very hesitant to do. I would rather live it over, than continue to live with out energy, and not get anything done. I can write, it is all I can do! 

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