3-22-2017 Rocked by depression due to Heart and Bipolar

     I am bipolar type II and I am on major depression with a side Order of can’t leave the freaking house! Nice combination when you realize you might not make your 45 birthday because your heart sucks. Lucky for me I know I will break it. 

     I know people will think I am over thinking this, But I also said this is  outlet writing, and now I have realized I can’t leave my house. Screw it, I like living more than I will be considered a whack job.

      Still hate everyone’s trying to change everyone’s opinion, especially on places like Facebook where there has been things proven to be fake. So relax. But right now I am more worried about me, Yep I am selfish and pissed that my life was destroyed not for the first time, shoot not the second either. This time I brought my wife Miranda with me. Not cool. 

     Don’t freak I will not do anything stupid, thus why I write! Duh. I write to live, and I live to write. I don’t have to debate the curves of how my mind works, for frankly there isn’t a way to explain myself. I know how bad I am, I am not a fool to be told this and that. My dog only lays by side these days when I am really bad, guess where she is? She came up and woke me up by kissing me, normally she barks, she woke me from a very bad dream, so yes I understand where I am. 

    Do I find myself wanting to die, nope, I am more depressed that I might not make to my 45th birthday, they gave me till my 44th birthday at the most, unless I get a heart transplant, I know it be longer, or it could be shorter for that matter. 

     I was about to test for my second degree black belt, when this heart issue happened. Right now I can’t even last a day mostly sitting. I plan to finish what I started. I will never quit, I know what is causing this, and it will pass, but until it does, it freaken sucks. 

     I wrestle with the demons of my life, and I get up and win 90% of the time. Today I am stuck at home within a depression, unlike I have had in a great while. So I will write, I  will read, I will watch cartoons, or I do anything that will take me away from my thoughts! Life today, or this week will not be easy, but life is not easy, it is just life. Your not Guaranteed a good life, your just granted a life, until it’s over. Hoping I have more life in the future. 

     I think about the fact that a death will happen, if I am to live. That is the toughest thing for me. It isn’t the heart, it is how they will get it. I understand that the person would have died anyways, but living with empathy my whole life, makes it difficult. I hope this blog allows you to understand why this bothers me. Peace to all.

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