The truth of life for me, is I woke up screaming, I woke  up my wife because of a nightmare I had. The nightmare had me being the defenseless one in the dream. That is weird because I had been training in martial arts for 7+ years before my heart stopped working from heart failure, it is running at 15% as of now with medication help.

     First they thought it was meth heart, where the heart is damaged because of being a meth addict, which I was in my youth. Meth allowed me to be normal because of my ADHD. They believed it was that before they did tests and found no scarring on my heart. They then sent me to UW hospital in Seattle Wa, where it was descovered that it was genetic. It became the first of four illnesses, I was not blamed for. When you were an addict with several mental health issues, most people blame you, for things that you had no control over. 

     Here is where it got good, now this is my 42nd birthday mind you, and two months ago today. I then learned that I needed a heart transplant, two months ago, and I still am beating myself up for bringing it up, life is hard, i might not make it to my 45th birthday, now they gave me till my 44th at the most, but I am not stupid, 

     I know it is hard to figure out how long life will be in these situations. Even if I live and get a heart, someone dies, yeah I know they would have anyways. How would anyone else take that? Me I am empathetic and I have issues watching the news. I told the doctor on the first day, if it meant taking the heart from a child that needs it, I wasn’t going to do it. She told me, there was two lists, and it was based on size. 

     I want to live, I just do not want to live at the cost of another person who has more life than me. I have achieved my dream and am on bonus time, almost completing dreams two and three. I have not and probably will never get back to work, but I work hard volunteering for what little check I get on social security. I hate it, that what most people complain about, I want, and that is a job. I wish I could work, and support my medication, doctors appointments, and my family above all else. It was working out, I was about to get my bachelors degree (going back spring quarter to finish the 13 credits), so I could switch with my wife for four years or more. 

     All so she could have her turn at school, when this heart situation hit me. The problem now is, I am uncertain if I will even be alive in four plus years. I feel like I screw her over. I will fight to the very end, but I feel I let her down, my mind and now my body are nothing but a damaged mess. I won’t quit, I never do, but did my mind, and now my body quit on me? Or did I deserve this for making the mistakes I made in my life? These questions are what I think about daily. 

One thought on “3-23-2017 Two months since finding out I need a heart transplant

  1. Miranda loves you like I loved Les. I know that Les felt that way. But I did not feel that. I wish I could have had more time with him. I am grateful for every day I did have. Your wife is in this for the long haul. Do not count yourself out. As long as you are breathing, there is hope. I love you both.

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