I wish i can say this is my last post. Unfortunately this is how i live, behind the curtain.
If you truly knew me… i truly hate myself, but i know part of it is my illnesses. If you think you do not understand, try living with them.
I wish i can say i am done with recovery, unfortunately that is where my life is similar and not as bad as most.
I wish i was done with NAMI, but i am actually accepted as me.
I never want to leave martial arts, it allows me the discipline to fully hide myself and be accepted based on my abilities, not who i am outside the art. Oh if they only knew me, would i be accepted? Doubtful, though with my honesty they pretty much do. For some are watching now.
I would never let them in, had i known i might have a chance to go back. I do have a chance. Life isn’t perfect.
I am a Veteran they tell me for i served over a year and due to something that happens based on mental health was asked out of my service.
I am a college dropout.
I am a black belt, i went back to college ten years later to achieve my bachelor’s, and i have eight and half years sober.
I fight this mental health crap every day of my life. Who am I, I am nobody. Just someone who wants to be better than they were yesterday. I fail once every three daysor so. Should i stop fighting?
Will I irritate, and hurt most of my love ones, unfortunately yes.
Will it hurt me more, don’t know about more, but it destroys me each time.
They said friends comes and go, but family stays forever. Well not in my case. Everyone comes and goes. Some family goes, some friends goes. Some friends stays, some family stays.
When your head does not work right, people leave you, that is your lot in life.
Just keep fighting. Some day I hope I am forgiven for being broken and still trying to be better.
The life lesson is this, life is the ups and downs, our choices are either fight or flight.
I guess my father was right all along, i am a violent S.O.B. it’s just that my violence has never been about hurting people purposefully, it’s always been about fighting the inside of my head.