4-20-2017 A Blip

     The journey to seek martial arts to most, seems like a path to violence, when people like me seek martial arts, it is to revoke what can lead to violence, and that is our minds. 

     The path through life will be wrought with thorns, and it will leave impressions on the soul. Where you leave the remenants of the thorns, can determine the greater scope of how you live your life. 

     The quest for truth, and understanding is sometimes a lonely one. In the end no matter the failings, if one survives because of the pain one re-lives, there is truly no better gift.

      I truly don’t know, nor do I care how many people can be helped by the embarrassment I re-live, for all I truly care about is helping people, and the worth it brings, even if only one person is helped. 

     The big picture is settled, I am a blip on the scanner, if one blip helps another, imagine the impact of the world. The ripples a rock makes, is the true art of the world. One connection can lead to millions. 

      I am not a leader, just a faithful servant of hope. You all can have the spot light, I only do what is necessary. That’s from Bruce Weller or myself. Not much of a writer, but I follow my urges in life, which shows me I have something to give back. 

4-20-2017 Suicide Survivor

      Why Eighteen years ago took me on a roller coast that gave me a fearful to fearless attitude. So this journey started when a doctor told  me to stop taking my meds and then wham MY NOW X-WIFE THROWS ME OUT! So I began a serious desire to live in fear that lead to agoraphobia, and now to a fearless, ok a person who walks through his fears type of person soon to be a bachelor degree wielding individual, with a black belt. I am a suicide survivor. 

      Well am a glad I failed? HELL YES! Will I ever try it again? I hope not, I work very hard about being open, because of it! People might hate that I am so open about mental health. Well there is a reason for it! I talk a lot, and there’s a reason for that too. You must realize this, I hate talking about certain things, but it is why I do it, the nervousness and excited speech happens, which leads most people to not want to talk to me. Well until my heart gave out. With that destroying my financial life I am still quite happier.

     I now have the best person in my life now! My wife Miranda she never gave me issues on my mental health, she supports me! And her mother Linda, they both will listen to me venting, knowing I just need to vent, but both know I need to let it go. They understand it isn’t so much of what I talk about, it’s that I need to release the valve and I just don’t trust anyone anymore.I will talk about most things, what you don’t know is I might talk to you, but I feel like I invade most people now, I don’t want attention, I don’t truly care if you go. 

     I will move on for I WILL NEVER GET TO THAT POINT AGAIN, IF I CAN HELP IT! Waking up like I did, and where I did and how I was treated afterwards. These are the things I would NEVER ASK THAT OF MY WORST ENEMY! No one treated me like that when I nearly died from my heart!! And I was not as close to death as with the suicide.

     I Wonder why that is! Today I am happy, I get up, and enjoy my wife, my dog, and my family, I have gone on to reach for the stars. I am a survivor! I fight through my fears! I am no longer that bastard who tried to end it! 

     I am the one who try’s to educate people that sometimes it is an an unseen illness! No one seems to care about! If your a cancer or heart failure survivor as well they say well that is more physical so it is different! I have had 3 near death experiences and my heart happened earlier then it should have happened, this ALL happened because of mental health issues I deal with! 

     Thank you all- everyone might not have a choice in life, but we all can choose to try in our given situations to be best of ourselves, no matter what. I could hang on to my past as what defines who I am today, and help others that suffer, or I could hang on to the past, living there forever. I try everyday to not regret my past, but to put the experiences to good use, fight the times my issues bring it back to fore front! I might not be much to most, but I am all I have to me. I am guy trying to do his best to live for a better tomorrow. Peace

4-19-2017 fighting

     As I sit here at night realizing how much my life has changed, I realize that no matter what, I love who I am. Changing medication is never easy, nor is it a wonder fix.

      I truly understand that meds alone will never be a fix, and it should never be thought of as such, it is part of life for someone like me, yes. In the end we must realize that it takes much more than that to accomplish the transition into a real life.

      My life has changed, not due entirely to medication alone, but in large part to wanting to better myself daily. I truly just want to be better than I was yesterday.  I can not do this alone, for it takes a village to raise a child, and three or four villages to raise a person with mental health. 

     I am weeks away from graduating, it will end my schooling. This makes me very sad, and yet very excited! I plan to fight to strike out and discover where I was meant to be. I finally got a straight answer. I got the answer I wanted, a number so I can start to began to work towards my dreams again! 

     I am going to work on this again. I feel like no one, and yet everyone is on my side. This is what I do, I go from on side to the other trying to work things out. Always focusing on the next indicated step. 

     I just focus on what is next, of Course until I get to this point, the point I am weeks away! This is where I find my anxiety is kinda maxed out, and with my heart condition, it feels very stressful, but always doable for me. There will always be time to reflect on how much we determined we did wrong, when it is over. 

     The point of life for me is to finish what we started now, and worry about the other stuff later. Life is not easy, it is life. I have been writing, but lately it has been for school, I love to write, I seem to find that editing has taken a lot of time from just writing what is in my head, and bring out what I love. 

    Writing is the easy part, going over what you write, and correcting it without letting others correct it, now that is the hard part! I know what I want to say, so I read it as if it is there, and that you will read it as I thought, but that is not how life works. We each have different journeys, lives, and brains why would we think the same? We would not! One must be diligent in how they work out these problems. I say “ugh!”, but I find it improves what I want to express when I must do it! 

4-5-2017 The word, and idea of “Can’t

     The truth of who I am has been decided by others saying “you can’t”, and what doctors told me I wasn’t able to.” In elementary school I was put in special ed, and I was told I could not read at the class level. They told me that it would take four years to get to level of the rest of my classmates. I find the best words to use on me is “you can’t” because when say things like that to me, and try to give me a limit I try to shut most people up. Every time someone comes and challenges me this happens;I not only achieve such goal, I destroy it. In the case of reading not only did it take exactly one and a half years to achieve that goal, but I started to excel at reading.

    I began to read all the time, to the point it became a problem for my parents, now how can reading become a problem for parents? One might ask. It became a problem because discipline became an issue for years, if I got in trouble, not being allowed to do anything but read, was ok with me. What parent would stop their kid from reading right? Truth is getting into trouble was more fun because of this. Reading was the only place I felt comfortable and it still is the only place I feel like being me. I have discovered myself by way of books to the point that I have a personal record of thirty books in thirty days, might not be a big deal here, or to no one else other than myself. Truth be told to this day people do not see me in this way. I know this because people believe I am an extrovert, and I truly am scared of people. I will put myself out there not because I want, it is because I need to.

     Further along in my life I would struggle through high school, and find myself in a very bad state, the truth of that was not only did they not tell me I couldn’t, they just didn’t care, so I why should I care. I actually was in my second sophomore year when someone finally told me I “couldn’t” graduate on time with my class. Looking back I should say “thank you” to those people now, I not only graduated on time, I lettered in a sport, and achieved a 2.0 overall grade point average.

     I love it when people say I can’t do it, moving on to my twenties, doctors were still expressing feelings I “couldn’t” do things, to the point that I started to believe this time and I ended up dropping out of college then, but I had a GPA of 2.6. The only reason I dropped, I couldn’t get what these doctors kept saying out of my head, I mean what was wrong with me? That doctors have to make sure I knew I was not capable of doing anything in life. I understand maybe telling someone they fit one job or another, but expressing the idea I was below average in intelligence and could never function in a college environment. I held on to this for ten long and hard years, until I realized that this was just another way to say that I could not do something.

      In my thirties I decided that I would go back to school, and do what they said I “couldn’t” do, and not only did I come back, I excelled at it beyond my expectations. I achieved a 3.7 GPA and requests to apply at Columbia, Louisiana State, Gonzaga, and Kentucky Universities, to name just a few. I was an officer in a group under the umbrella of Phi Theta Kappa at Skagit College. I received my AA, and four certificates. The truth is you would think that people saying “I can’t” do things would end, right? No it still goes on at Western Washington University, for me. I have been told I will struggle with intense writing several times. The problem is not my able to write, I write with an ease that is second nature. My ability to edit now that is my true problem, so for me that is not sound yet, but that comes with practice, and I practice daily.

     I might not make it through the one who has told me that I would not fit his classes on more then one occasion, but I must thank the one who has in their own way said I “can’t”. I have achieved my dreams, and am very close to achieving dreams two and three. I find that my favorite word is “can’t” for me.

     I have taken a three hundred level science class, and here was the problem, before that the last science class was junior high, I still made it, I still stayed a float, and I still passed. I might not be the perfect student, but I work hard, I enjoy school, and I never give up. I might break for a minute, but the word “can’t” is a motivator not a deterrent for me. I have lived with people believing that “I can’t”. I believe this is a way to say “Get out of my, and see what I am capable of!”.

      I learn, I teach, I am, and I know that I have limits. I just have not reached them yet. I teach martial arts, I started at thirty six, I was told “can’t” is not a word that should ever be used on anyone young, or old, in my case go ahead and use it, for it gives me the insight, that you do not know who you are dealing with. I have stepped out of the shadows of life based on that one word, and I will continue to live though other people’s idea that I “I can’t”.

3-30-2017 Ta Ta for Now

     The day I find the world I want to live in, is the day I don’t think I will be alive. I am not sure I want to live in a world, where everyone is so divided, and can’t find common ground. I feel like I will never fit in this exulted world of those who choose this or that.

     I have always wanted to be included, allowed to have my opinions, but able to agree to disagree. There is no world like that anymore. Ones freedom, seems to costs another’s theirs in the minds of all. The truth is we are all alike- we all seem to hate each other equally. I really find fault in that.

      I wish life could be different here. A place that I could feel comfortable. I will never feel comfortable around anyone, for I have found what I say or do is the wrong thing all the time. 

    My social anxiety is basically a pain in the rear end. The person I hate in public is me. I am so done with life around others, that I can’t wait till school is over to go back into hiding and wait for one of two things- either I die, or I start a new life away from the masses. People are worse type of animal, that ones that hityou with nothing more then their mouths. Strike as you must, remember I have a mouth too. 

     I am no fighter, but I can fight if needed. You shoot me, but I will say this, if it goes that far, I have faced death and am not afraid. What will any one take from me? Only what I let them. You all want fake, fine fake it is. Remember you as whole asked this of me. Find your truth, you will never know mine! 

3-27-2017 Perception of the idea of now

     Learning a new way to accept one’s self, is the journey towards what I find to be both heart warming and exciting. We as a whole spend far to long in our mistakes, not seeing the process, the beauty, and the ideas that flow within the truth of who we are. 

     Self discovery has to progress within the heart and soul, for we still need to work the body, relish the fun, and strive for the senses of mind, body, and soul. We must live for the now. 

3-23-2017 Two months since finding out I need a heart transplant

  The truth of life for me, is I woke up screaming, I woke  up my wife because of a nightmare I had. The nightmare had me being the defenseless one in the dream. That is weird because I had been training in martial arts for 7+ years before my heart stopped working from heart failure, it is running at 15% as of now with medication help.

     First they thought it was meth heart, where the heart is damaged because of being a meth addict, which I was in my youth. Meth allowed me to be normal because of my ADHD. They believed it was that before they did tests and found no scarring on my heart. They then sent me to UW hospital in Seattle Wa, where it was descovered that it was genetic. It became the first of four illnesses, I was not blamed for. When you were an addict with several mental health issues, most people blame you, for things that you had no control over. 

     Here is where it got good, now this is my 42nd birthday mind you, and two months ago today. I then learned that I needed a heart transplant, two months ago, and I still am beating myself up for bringing it up, life is hard, i might not make it to my 45th birthday, now they gave me till my 44th at the most, but I am not stupid, 

     I know it is hard to figure out how long life will be in these situations. Even if I live and get a heart, someone dies, yeah I know they would have anyways. How would anyone else take that? Me I am empathetic and I have issues watching the news. I told the doctor on the first day, if it meant taking the heart from a child that needs it, I wasn’t going to do it. She told me, there was two lists, and it was based on size. 

     I want to live, I just do not want to live at the cost of another person who has more life than me. I have achieved my dream and am on bonus time, almost completing dreams two and three. I have not and probably will never get back to work, but I work hard volunteering for what little check I get on social security. I hate it, that what most people complain about, I want, and that is a job. I wish I could work, and support my medication, doctors appointments, and my family above all else. It was working out, I was about to get my bachelors degree (going back spring quarter to finish the 13 credits), so I could switch with my wife for four years or more. 

     All so she could have her turn at school, when this heart situation hit me. The problem now is, I am uncertain if I will even be alive in four plus years. I feel like I screw her over. I will fight to the very end, but I feel I let her down, my mind and now my body are nothing but a damaged mess. I won’t quit, I never do, but did my mind, and now my body quit on me? Or did I deserve this for making the mistakes I made in my life? These questions are what I think about daily.