The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻πŸ₯‹πŸ₯‹πŸŽ“πŸŽ“

Damn life is both a bitch and good.

     The truth of my life is I was given a time frame on its expiration, unless I get a transplant. The funny thing is I am not sick enough to be on the list. Here is my issue- shut your trap about the time frame. Damn sitting on the idea you are set to go by a certain date. Please -mess with people much? 

      Me I went back finished my BA, and enrolled in an MA program. Life is a journey I refuse to lose. Never Tap Out is who I am. Like me, hate me, means nothing to me. 

     The journey is the victory. The finish isn’t nothing but a place to begin the next journey. When someone tells you who you are, face them and say thanks, though how would you know? You fight my battles that go on in my head? No, then shut your damn mouth. I love people who have no clue as to what you face everyday, tell you how it’s going to get better, and to not worry! Bite me! My worse battle daily is getting up! 

✌🏻from your πŸŽ“πŸ₯‹

Days are hard, though the journey is grand

Today is another day I am watching as my world crashes around me, the rocks are falling, and falling hard is the where you learn how tough you can be. I know I am tough. I survived a lot in life. I truly don’t care about the finish. I am now working on my masters degree. There was a time I believed I wouldn’t make it through my aa degree. I just want to find a place to live, and a job.  Things are falling apart around me! 

6-5-2017 The Finish of Dream Two

     The focus of life is not the finish, it is the process unto which our life roles. The finish is always overwhelming, but the next indicated step never is. In life the finish will come, as always in the time it is supposed too. So why focus on the finish? 
     Enjoy the process and one day you will look back and say “damn I really did that!” Completing not one but two dreams in my life isn’t amazing, it was how it happened. It wasn’t without hardship, and disappointments along the way, shoot I found out I need a heart transplant. That doesn’t even suck. 
      The truth is people believe me about having that illness. It is better than say the other major illnesses that i suffer from, see physically I just figure can’t do anything but work around it. Mental illness, I was told that it doesn’t exist for so long, that it makes me anxious to even to mention it. In fact though I talk about it a lot, that is only to help others, not myself. 
     I have believed I am a faker and excuse maker. For that was what people said, too me the truth is my hardest journey in life isn’t completing these major things, but getting out of bed! In 5 days I will do something I NEVER even imagined seeing as I had a .9 GPA in the first two years of high school, and actually had too be a sophomore for a year and a half. I took night classes as a senior to graduate on time to go into a military that threw me out like garbage they thought I was. 
     So how did I change all this too accomplished what I have? I focus on leaving the house first! Than I make it to each class, each test that follows, work on each fear as it comes, and the finish where I look back and say DAMN! I never thing I will finish until two days or so after I do. I realized I wasn’t as dumb as the three doctors that said I was until midway into my senior year at WWU. It was then I realized I just didn’t think like everyone else, and that was ok. 
     People just don’t get that they scare me the most, oh you can hit me, but to break me all you have to do is use words. I can take a hit physically, it’s the pain of those people without a heart ❀️ that hurts me. See I have Bipolar ADHD, PTSD that comes from lack of understandingn, and abuse that I endured because of these illnesses. So what the hell can a little heart issue do to me? Oh I can die from it, but I am now treated like a human being. Oh and a little secret for you all- it too is an unseen illness.. SURPRISE people are hypocrites! πŸ˜‚ 
    Well I am just going to enjoy life and follow my next dream of becoming a Kyo Sa ( Martial Arts Instructor). Almost there. Dream three, will not be stopped just because I love too much and it my heart too big for my body! πŸ’”πŸ˜‚ the journey made me powerful enough to walk through my difficulties not the finish. ✌️

Spring Poem

The first of spring, I am loaded on a high, given the idea that I can fly. 

I find a path that takes me away, towards a goal of justice that can not be swayed. 

The ride is rough and rigid yet, a seemingly crazy version of chance, comes forth a surprise of wisdom had. 

May the person find hope, or hell. 

Their faith is shaken upon a well, will he fall or will he swell. 

The truth be known he is here to vent, for lastly ain’t no one willing to be that spent. 
True that –by me the –junuk(previous poetry name)

4-20-2017 A Blip

     The journey to seek martial arts to most, seems like a path to violence, when people like me seek martial arts, it is to revoke what can lead to violence, and that is our minds. 

     The path through life will be wrought with thorns, and it will leave impressions on the soul. Where you leave the remenants of the thorns, can determine the greater scope of how you live your life. 

     The quest for truth, and understanding is sometimes a lonely one. In the end no matter the failings, if one survives because of the pain one re-lives, there is truly no better gift.

      I truly don’t know, nor do I care how many people can be helped by the embarrassment I re-live, for all I truly care about is helping people, and the worth it brings, even if only one person is helped. 

     The big picture is settled, I am a blip on the scanner, if one blip helps another, imagine the impact of the world. The ripples a rock makes, is the true art of the world. One connection can lead to millions. 

      I am not a leader, just a faithful servant of hope. You all can have the spot light, I only do what is necessary. That’s from Bruce Weller or myself. Not much of a writer, but I follow my urges in life, which shows me I have something to give back. 

4-20-2017 Suicide Survivor

      Why Eighteen years ago took me on a roller coast that gave me a fearful to fearless attitude. So this journey started when a doctor told  me to stop taking my meds and then wham MY NOW X-WIFE THROWS ME OUT! So I began a serious desire to live in fear that lead to agoraphobia, and now to a fearless, ok a person who walks through his fears type of person soon to be a bachelor degree wielding individual, with a black belt. I am a suicide survivor. 

      Well am a glad I failed? HELL YES! Will I ever try it again? I hope not, I work very hard about being open, because of it! People might hate that I am so open about mental health. Well there is a reason for it! I talk a lot, and there’s a reason for that too. You must realize this, I hate talking about certain things, but it is why I do it, the nervousness and excited speech happens, which leads most people to not want to talk to me. Well until my heart gave out. With that destroying my financial life I am still quite happier.

     I now have the best person in my life now! My wife Miranda she never gave me issues on my mental health, she supports me! And her mother Linda, they both will listen to me venting, knowing I just need to vent, but both know I need to let it go. They understand it isn’t so much of what I talk about, it’s that I need to release the valve and I just don’t trust anyone anymore.I will talk about most things, what you don’t know is I might talk to you, but I feel like I invade most people now, I don’t want attention, I don’t truly care if you go. 

     I will move on for I WILL NEVER GET TO THAT POINT AGAIN, IF I CAN HELP IT! Waking up like I did, and where I did and how I was treated afterwards. These are the things I would NEVER ASK THAT OF MY WORST ENEMY! No one treated me like that when I nearly died from my heart!! And I was not as close to death as with the suicide.

     I Wonder why that is! Today I am happy, I get up, and enjoy my wife, my dog, and my family, I have gone on to reach for the stars. I am a survivor! I fight through my fears! I am no longer that bastard who tried to end it! 

     I am the one who try’s to educate people that sometimes it is an an unseen illness! No one seems to care about! If your a cancer or heart failure survivor as well they say well that is more physical so it is different! I have had 3 near death experiences and my heart happened earlier then it should have happened, this ALL happened because of mental health issues I deal with! 

     Thank you all- everyone might not have a choice in life, but we all can choose to try in our given situations to be best of ourselves, no matter what. I could hang on to my past as what defines who I am today, and help others that suffer, or I could hang on to the past, living there forever. I try everyday to not regret my past, but to put the experiences to good use, fight the times my issues bring it back to fore front! I might not be much to most, but I am all I have to me. I am guy trying to do his best to live for a better tomorrow. Peace