4-19-2017 fighting

     As I sit here at night realizing how much my life has changed, I realize that no matter what, I love who I am. Changing medication is never easy, nor is it a wonder fix.

      I truly understand that meds alone will never be a fix, and it should never be thought of as such, it is part of life for someone like me, yes. In the end we must realize that it takes much more than that to accomplish the transition into a real life.

      My life has changed, not due entirely to medication alone, but in large part to wanting to better myself daily. I truly just want to be better than I was yesterday.  I can not do this alone, for it takes a village to raise a child, and three or four villages to raise a person with mental health. 

     I am weeks away from graduating, it will end my schooling. This makes me very sad, and yet very excited! I plan to fight to strike out and discover where I was meant to be. I finally got a straight answer. I got the answer I wanted, a number so I can start to began to work towards my dreams again! 

     I am going to work on this again. I feel like no one, and yet everyone is on my side. This is what I do, I go from on side to the other trying to work things out. Always focusing on the next indicated step. 

     I just focus on what is next, of Course until I get to this point, the point I am weeks away! This is where I find my anxiety is kinda maxed out, and with my heart condition, it feels very stressful, but always doable for me. There will always be time to reflect on how much we determined we did wrong, when it is over. 

     The point of life for me is to finish what we started now, and worry about the other stuff later. Life is not easy, it is life. I have been writing, but lately it has been for school, I love to write, I seem to find that editing has taken a lot of time from just writing what is in my head, and bring out what I love. 

    Writing is the easy part, going over what you write, and correcting it without letting others correct it, now that is the hard part! I know what I want to say, so I read it as if it is there, and that you will read it as I thought, but that is not how life works. We each have different journeys, lives, and brains why would we think the same? We would not! One must be diligent in how they work out these problems. I say “ugh!”, but I find it improves what I want to express when I must do it! 

4-5-2017 The word, and idea of “Can’t

     The truth of who I am has been decided by others saying “you can’t”, and what doctors told me I wasn’t able to.” In elementary school I was put in special ed, and I was told I could not read at the class level. They told me that it would take four years to get to level of the rest of my classmates. I find the best words to use on me is “you can’t” because when say things like that to me, and try to give me a limit I try to shut most people up. Every time someone comes and challenges me this happens;I not only achieve such goal, I destroy it. In the case of reading not only did it take exactly one and a half years to achieve that goal, but I started to excel at reading.

    I began to read all the time, to the point it became a problem for my parents, now how can reading become a problem for parents? One might ask. It became a problem because discipline became an issue for years, if I got in trouble, not being allowed to do anything but read, was ok with me. What parent would stop their kid from reading right? Truth is getting into trouble was more fun because of this. Reading was the only place I felt comfortable and it still is the only place I feel like being me. I have discovered myself by way of books to the point that I have a personal record of thirty books in thirty days, might not be a big deal here, or to no one else other than myself. Truth be told to this day people do not see me in this way. I know this because people believe I am an extrovert, and I truly am scared of people. I will put myself out there not because I want, it is because I need to.

     Further along in my life I would struggle through high school, and find myself in a very bad state, the truth of that was not only did they not tell me I couldn’t, they just didn’t care, so I why should I care. I actually was in my second sophomore year when someone finally told me I “couldn’t” graduate on time with my class. Looking back I should say “thank you” to those people now, I not only graduated on time, I lettered in a sport, and achieved a 2.0 overall grade point average.

     I love it when people say I can’t do it, moving on to my twenties, doctors were still expressing feelings I “couldn’t” do things, to the point that I started to believe this time and I ended up dropping out of college then, but I had a GPA of 2.6. The only reason I dropped, I couldn’t get what these doctors kept saying out of my head, I mean what was wrong with me? That doctors have to make sure I knew I was not capable of doing anything in life. I understand maybe telling someone they fit one job or another, but expressing the idea I was below average in intelligence and could never function in a college environment. I held on to this for ten long and hard years, until I realized that this was just another way to say that I could not do something.

      In my thirties I decided that I would go back to school, and do what they said I “couldn’t” do, and not only did I come back, I excelled at it beyond my expectations. I achieved a 3.7 GPA and requests to apply at Columbia, Louisiana State, Gonzaga, and Kentucky Universities, to name just a few. I was an officer in a group under the umbrella of Phi Theta Kappa at Skagit College. I received my AA, and four certificates. The truth is you would think that people saying “I can’t” do things would end, right? No it still goes on at Western Washington University, for me. I have been told I will struggle with intense writing several times. The problem is not my able to write, I write with an ease that is second nature. My ability to edit now that is my true problem, so for me that is not sound yet, but that comes with practice, and I practice daily.

     I might not make it through the one who has told me that I would not fit his classes on more then one occasion, but I must thank the one who has in their own way said I “can’t”. I have achieved my dreams, and am very close to achieving dreams two and three. I find that my favorite word is “can’t” for me.

     I have taken a three hundred level science class, and here was the problem, before that the last science class was junior high, I still made it, I still stayed a float, and I still passed. I might not be the perfect student, but I work hard, I enjoy school, and I never give up. I might break for a minute, but the word “can’t” is a motivator not a deterrent for me. I have lived with people believing that “I can’t”. I believe this is a way to say “Get out of my, and see what I am capable of!”.

      I learn, I teach, I am, and I know that I have limits. I just have not reached them yet. I teach martial arts, I started at thirty six, I was told “can’t” is not a word that should ever be used on anyone young, or old, in my case go ahead and use it, for it gives me the insight, that you do not know who you are dealing with. I have stepped out of the shadows of life based on that one word, and I will continue to live though other people’s idea that I “I can’t”.

3-30-2017 Ta Ta for Now

     The day I find the world I want to live in, is the day I don’t think I will be alive. I am not sure I want to live in a world, where everyone is so divided, and can’t find common ground. I feel like I will never fit in this exulted world of those who choose this or that.

     I have always wanted to be included, allowed to have my opinions, but able to agree to disagree. There is no world like that anymore. Ones freedom, seems to costs another’s theirs in the minds of all. The truth is we are all alike- we all seem to hate each other equally. I really find fault in that.

      I wish life could be different here. A place that I could feel comfortable. I will never feel comfortable around anyone, for I have found what I say or do is the wrong thing all the time. 

    My social anxiety is basically a pain in the rear end. The person I hate in public is me. I am so done with life around others, that I can’t wait till school is over to go back into hiding and wait for one of two things- either I die, or I start a new life away from the masses. People are worse type of animal, that ones that hityou with nothing more then their mouths. Strike as you must, remember I have a mouth too. 

     I am no fighter, but I can fight if needed. You shoot me, but I will say this, if it goes that far, I have faced death and am not afraid. What will any one take from me? Only what I let them. You all want fake, fine fake it is. Remember you as whole asked this of me. Find your truth, you will never know mine! 

3-27-2017 Perception of the idea of now

     Learning a new way to accept one’s self, is the journey towards what I find to be both heart warming and exciting. We as a whole spend far to long in our mistakes, not seeing the process, the beauty, and the ideas that flow within the truth of who we are. 

     Self discovery has to progress within the heart and soul, for we still need to work the body, relish the fun, and strive for the senses of mind, body, and soul. We must live for the now. 

3-23-2017 Two months since finding out I need a heart transplant

  The truth of life for me, is I woke up screaming, I woke  up my wife because of a nightmare I had. The nightmare had me being the defenseless one in the dream. That is weird because I had been training in martial arts for 7+ years before my heart stopped working from heart failure, it is running at 15% as of now with medication help.

     First they thought it was meth heart, where the heart is damaged because of being a meth addict, which I was in my youth. Meth allowed me to be normal because of my ADHD. They believed it was that before they did tests and found no scarring on my heart. They then sent me to UW hospital in Seattle Wa, where it was descovered that it was genetic. It became the first of four illnesses, I was not blamed for. When you were an addict with several mental health issues, most people blame you, for things that you had no control over. 

     Here is where it got good, now this is my 42nd birthday mind you, and two months ago today. I then learned that I needed a heart transplant, two months ago, and I still am beating myself up for bringing it up, life is hard, i might not make it to my 45th birthday, now they gave me till my 44th at the most, but I am not stupid, 

     I know it is hard to figure out how long life will be in these situations. Even if I live and get a heart, someone dies, yeah I know they would have anyways. How would anyone else take that? Me I am empathetic and I have issues watching the news. I told the doctor on the first day, if it meant taking the heart from a child that needs it, I wasn’t going to do it. She told me, there was two lists, and it was based on size. 

     I want to live, I just do not want to live at the cost of another person who has more life than me. I have achieved my dream and am on bonus time, almost completing dreams two and three. I have not and probably will never get back to work, but I work hard volunteering for what little check I get on social security. I hate it, that what most people complain about, I want, and that is a job. I wish I could work, and support my medication, doctors appointments, and my family above all else. It was working out, I was about to get my bachelors degree (going back spring quarter to finish the 13 credits), so I could switch with my wife for four years or more. 

     All so she could have her turn at school, when this heart situation hit me. The problem now is, I am uncertain if I will even be alive in four plus years. I feel like I screw her over. I will fight to the very end, but I feel I let her down, my mind and now my body are nothing but a damaged mess. I won’t quit, I never do, but did my mind, and now my body quit on me? Or did I deserve this for making the mistakes I made in my life? These questions are what I think about daily. 

3-22-2017 Rocked by depression due to Heart and Bipolar

     I am bipolar type II and I am on major depression with a side Order of can’t leave the freaking house! Nice combination when you realize you might not make your 45 birthday because your heart sucks. Lucky for me I know I will break it. 

     I know people will think I am over thinking this, But I also said this is  outlet writing, and now I have realized I can’t leave my house. Screw it, I like living more than I will be considered a whack job.

      Still hate everyone’s trying to change everyone’s opinion, especially on places like Facebook where there has been things proven to be fake. So relax. But right now I am more worried about me, Yep I am selfish and pissed that my life was destroyed not for the first time, shoot not the second either. This time I brought my wife Miranda with me. Not cool. 

     Don’t freak I will not do anything stupid, thus why I write! Duh. I write to live, and I live to write. I don’t have to debate the curves of how my mind works, for frankly there isn’t a way to explain myself. I know how bad I am, I am not a fool to be told this and that. My dog only lays by side these days when I am really bad, guess where she is? She came up and woke me up by kissing me, normally she barks, she woke me from a very bad dream, so yes I understand where I am. 

    Do I find myself wanting to die, nope, I am more depressed that I might not make to my 45th birthday, they gave me till my 44th birthday at the most, unless I get a heart transplant, I know it be longer, or it could be shorter for that matter. 

     I was about to test for my second degree black belt, when this heart issue happened. Right now I can’t even last a day mostly sitting. I plan to finish what I started. I will never quit, I know what is causing this, and it will pass, but until it does, it freaken sucks. 

     I wrestle with the demons of my life, and I get up and win 90% of the time. Today I am stuck at home within a depression, unlike I have had in a great while. So I will write, I  will read, I will watch cartoons, or I do anything that will take me away from my thoughts! Life today, or this week will not be easy, but life is not easy, it is just life. Your not Guaranteed a good life, your just granted a life, until it’s over. Hoping I have more life in the future. 

     I think about the fact that a death will happen, if I am to live. That is the toughest thing for me. It isn’t the heart, it is how they will get it. I understand that the person would have died anyways, but living with empathy my whole life, makes it difficult. I hope this blog allows you to understand why this bothers me. Peace to all.