What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

Life little lesson

Your world is yours, and yet we can forget how far we have come. In the last year I had to shorten my time away from home due to an enlarged heart with a hole in it. I started complaining of being on a half Life deal. I can only do half of the stuff I did last year. 

The funny thing is my half life now is twice the life I had eight years ago, when I was coming out of my agoraphobia. That lasted four plus years, depending on who you asked. My parents say ten plus years, me i say four, betting it was in between. 

Life changed so much eight years ago that spending more time at home because my heart is working at a mer 25- 27% is difficult. Yet this has not stopped me, it slowed me down yes, but stopped- no way. I am testing for my second degree black belt soon, and I already went back and finished my bachelors degree. 

Look I know I am repeating myself a lot, but when it is written, it is forever! This is why I write. I will be forever grateful to my family, for putting up with me. It is tough to be mentally, and physically disabled. Life is the process, and the process is the life! ✌🏻

My Story

   My past was difficult. I entered the Navy as an E3, and third generation to boot, it was my life to retire from the service. Then after “A” school, while on leave it happened. I flipped out. I asked for help from the military, and they deemed that all I wanted was to get out. That was untrue. I was left to my own devices and went down a bad path because of how I was treated. I ended up homeless for over two years, living in Norfolk VA, New Orleans LA, Warren OH, and Los Osos CA. I then tried getting sober at twenty two in Kent WA, for ten plus years I would accumulate one and half to two years while struggling what I found out to be Bipolar 2. Seven days after learning I was bipolar, I met my previous wife, after a doctor told me to get off my meds I tried taking my life, then three days later I awoke in hell 5150 in Los Angles Ca. My then wife gave me a plane ticket and told me to get out. Back to Kent I went separated from her for four years because she hated me that bad. All I did was listen to the doctor without tapering off my meds(didn’t know I needed to at the time). I then was forced onto social security and told I would never work again. I have been told I was below average intelligence in 2003, and again in 2011. I ended up dropping out of college in 2005. After a year of meeting my present wife I went into a agoraphobic for four years, giving up on life. I shot to three hundred ten pounds. My present wife ( girlfriend then) and I moved to Skagit county. Here is where life became life. 
     I had nothing to lose. Life was just not worth living. So I changed. I went to a place where I met this man who rubbed me the wrong way, and then saw him again, when I decided to go for a dream I have had since I was a child. He became my marital arts instructor and then my mentor, and finally the best man at my wedding, but that comes later. I started forcing myself to leave my house and go to martial arts, first taking the bus, then driving. My instructor got me taking him places due to the fact he was legally blind and couldn’t drive. I just took life in steps, the next step, class, and test, soon I was a red belt with a friend who went to classes all the time, we competed to see who would go to more classes, get there first, and leave latest. We never cared who was better, that didn’t matter. He ended not being able to continue after we entered the rank just one level till my dream of a black belt. I started teaching, and became interested in owning my own studio.

      I went back to school this time for Business Management, so I can run the business end.You should always be prepared to succeed and I certainly was not. I received my Black Belt June 23, 2014 and was awarded my ATA August 2014. Here is where it got good, some how I fell in love with school, I had a non transfer degree I was done right? No I was not. I was told about a program at Western Washington University, where I could transfer and achieve a Bachelor’s of Arts degree. I needed recommendations, and I had to interview to get in. I thought well that sucks, I could never do that. Well my wife said if they don’t let you in, don’t worry anymore about school, but you are going to put in 100 % into getting in. I did, though I blew off a scholarship for Phi Theta Kappa because I didn’t think it would happen. Well it did, I received my bachelor’s on June 10, 2017 and was accepted into a masters program on June 19, 2017.

     Now life isn’t perfect for me, I was suppose to test for my second degree black belt on October 2016, but my heart went bad. I was diagnosed with with C. H. F ( Congestive Heart Failure ). Well I am who I am, I am testing for my second degree black belt in October of this year. Am I ready? I don’t know, I do know this: January they said ( on my forty second birthday mind you) that I will need a heart transplant within two years. Ugh life’s over right? Heck no. I know someone will die either for me or I will, but that doesn’t mean I am done now. I just got done being in the top three for a job, no I didn’t get it, but I made it to the second interview, I am in a masters program, I help others, and I have people in my life who judge me, based on me, not on how I look, or my illnesses. I think outside the box, depression was an old friend I kick to the curb, and if I only have a year and a half—I will continue to follow the path that shows the most love. My name is Bruce Alan Weller Jr and I will never again hide what I have, for if you understand anything about us. We as a people with mental health issues, are smart, hard working, and work very hard on proving everyone wrong! I know I am not the only one to do it!

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓

Damn life is both a bitch and good.

     The truth of my life is I was given a time frame on its expiration, unless I get a transplant. The funny thing is I am not sick enough to be on the list. Here is my issue- shut your trap about the time frame. Damn sitting on the idea you are set to go by a certain date. Please -mess with people much? 

      Me I went back finished my BA, and enrolled in an MA program. Life is a journey I refuse to lose. Never Tap Out is who I am. Like me, hate me, means nothing to me. 

     The journey is the victory. The finish isn’t nothing but a place to begin the next journey. When someone tells you who you are, face them and say thanks, though how would you know? You fight my battles that go on in my head? No, then shut your damn mouth. I love people who have no clue as to what you face everyday, tell you how it’s going to get better, and to not worry! Bite me! My worse battle daily is getting up! 

✌🏻from your 🎓🥋