Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

Belief in self

I sit here and know that life is a battle of getting through hardships. I was just about to get off of social security when the latest battle began. It is my hardest battle, this battle is one that I truly struggle to show my positive self. Here is the crunch of the problem, I find it to be the most learning experience of my life. I might never work, people might or might not believe in me. The idea of life is the ongoing battle of focusing on your next indicated step. I am fighting to go back to school, I have lost martial arts for the time being, so I am now  settling into writing. The understanding that life with throw you curves, it is what you do with the pitch that matters. I choose to swing hard and hit it, or strike out trying to hit it. Life is not a failure if you try, life is a failure if you don’t. I have begun writing books, will they get published? Probably not. Do I care? No. This is about finding the person that will bring forth the truth of who I am, and why I am still here. I am no one special, just a guy who believes in never quitting, and never giving up on himself. I focus on my issues, I never try and break another’s trust. Integrity is not just a word to me- IT is a life choice. A way of being, a focus on the 7 P’s- prior, proper, planning, prevents, piss, poor,performance. Finding and developing a structure of creating my imagination. I create, but creation is never enough without evolving the characters of what is needed.  As in life it is all about evolving from the limits of who we are. I have more limits now due to my heart, does it stop me? No. I have been limited due to mental health, does that stop me? No. Truth is, it might slow me down, it might change my path, but in the end it will never bring me down. I choose to fight, it might mean re-evaluating what I can do, but I am never finish until I am no longer here. Belief in self, you are your best friend, or your worse enemy, the choice is yours.

Low activity

The truth of my low activity is the long wait to find out the truth of my situation. I am dealing with an unseen physical issue now. The difference is crazy whacked, if we got this kind of help with mental health, oh how less we would be despised by ourselves. I am facing a long fight of an enlarged heart. I will spend a year or two battling life with an ICD until I am put on a list for a heart transplant. I find it ironic that this is an unseen illness, just like mental health, and yet people are oh so sympathic now. I find they are both just as deadly and destructive, but one is taken as a joke and the other is taken as death warmed over. I am not dead yet, I fight each day as if it is my last, for either illness is the same to me. They are both as serious as the other, they are just as dangerous. I stop taking the meds for either, I will pay the price, the price is unacceptable to me. I will journey though this life with my gloves on and my focus on the prize. Please accept understand with two hospitalizations for CHF and -and plenty of days of depression due to all of these issues, I found myself not wanting to do what I love, which is to write and tell my story. I know this is barely read, but it is important for me to express how difficult and different each unseen illness is, especially since I have the honor or both a physical, and mental illness in my life. I have the presective of life on both sides. An unique experience of how the stigma is expanded on those who have mental health problems. I have a physical problem that might end me, but I want it know I take more meds for that, and accepted more, than I do for my mental health. I am more accepted now, and why is that? Why did I find out on my 42 birthday I will eventually be put on a heart transplant list to find acceptance for an unseen illness? I thank you who read my story. Hope to see comments to these questions. Why are we left out in the cold? What is your journey like?

Life is desirable, even when one doesn’t believe he wants it.

I sit upon my bed, trying very hard to get up. I can’t feel my ability to do it. I am struggling mightily in the grips of my mental health. I believe no one cares, luckily in my case I am wrong. Though I will reach out when others are in need, I will never truly tell people the exact nature of my pain, I have been taught I should leave it alone in life. My inner pain will never be seen, even if I show you. For those like me are told we are nothing, we are told our pain is not real, suck it up kid, stop being a baby. I will let you know this, a tough SOB will cry, will become emotional, and above all I will tell you now that I feel my mental abilities are at a place, where I physically find myself very weak, is it just in my head. Of course it is. The head is where the physical is developed, dealt with and the head runs the body, how would you not think a depression can cause someone to become physically unable to get up? The tough ones like me. We get up anyways, we fight the paralysis of our bodies, we force ourselves to move. We don’t drink over it, we don’t cry over it, we damn well do it anyways. This is who I am. I never tap out. When it comes to my life. Those who love me, they don’t always get the struggle I have when dealing with my mental health. Man half of them don’t care. It is a disgrace to talk about the weak, well I am not talking about the weak. I am talking about the strong! Those with mental health issues, deal with physical aspects, dealt by our mental condition. To get up for me, literally is pain intensified. It is not made up, I am not faking. I hurt, I get up anyways. I do what is needed. I find hope when I can. I truly never, ever give in to my own thoughts of hell. For me what I think about myself, is none of my damn business, for you see, I was taught to hate me. How can I not? We don’t discuss our issues. Well damn it, if I don’t I die. It is that simple, I want to die right now. Will I, of course not. I will enjoy the pain, and anguish till it leaves, I will then get up, and be right again, it will pass. Even I get up and leave right now, you won’t know the pain in my heart, because I trust only a few. You want my truth? The truth of my pain? You can’t handle it. Unless you have walked in the shoes of those who suffer from the unseen, you truly can not know the hardship we go though, doing the simple things. I hope you never have to. No matter what you have to do, never quit on life. Focus on the best things in your life, and work around the pain.
Bruce- Kung Fu Panda. 

My father in-law, called me that as a 310 pound orange belt. I am now a 256 pound black belt. My biggest fight, and workout is not training in martial arts, it is getting up everyday, and working on being better than yesterday, and trying to make other people days better than my own.