Tag: Agoriphobia

Life little lesson

Your world is yours, and yet we can forget how far we have come. In the last year I had to shorten my time away from home due to an enlarged heart with a hole in it. I started complaining of being on a half Life deal. I can only do half of the stuff I did last year. 

The funny thing is my half life now is twice the life I had eight years ago, when I was coming out of my agoraphobia. That lasted four plus years, depending on who you asked. My parents say ten plus years, me i say four, betting it was in between. 

Life changed so much eight years ago that spending more time at home because my heart is working at a mer 25- 27% is difficult. Yet this has not stopped me, it slowed me down yes, but stopped- no way. I am testing for my second degree black belt soon, and I already went back and finished my bachelors degree. 

Look I know I am repeating myself a lot, but when it is written, it is forever! This is why I write. I will be forever grateful to my family, for putting up with me. It is tough to be mentally, and physically disabled. Life is the process, and the process is the life! ✌🏻

3-20-2017- Realizing Life is Easy, when the hardest part is getting out of bed! 

    Today is a hard day, I find the truth of my changes to have been instilled in who I am. As I write this, I feel like the center is love, where is the establishment of my hatred of the crazy that is in me today? As in why did it take me this long to want to find what is successful, and what is a bad mindset 

     I am calling today psycho Monday, for I meet with both my psychiatrist, and therapist today. I have no heart appointments today. I actually am out for the last time, and it is going to be a long day, I can’t until Friday, when my wife gets paid. I am out of gas after today. Money is going out faster then it comes in. I hope life gets easier soon.

     Perception of my life has changed each day making me stronger, and more adaptable as I am able. Why can I not be one of the people that find peace and harmony in their lives? I guess for me that would just be too boring. I don’t do boring! My life might not always be fun, but boring it is not. 

    I am got through most of the day when I contacted a friend, they got back to me, I found out they had lost someone else to mental health. This person has lost more than me. She has been my biggest supporter. I was so tired today, I crash when I got home, but I got her message when I woke up, instead of being upset, this person said I should write down my recovery tips. See the reason is this; the truth is I have gone through a bit in my life, and I have stayed strong, and I am not afraid of my worst nightmare, for that person is me.

     I will do that on one of my future posts. I am not an expert on much, for the hardest part of my day isn’t the mistakes, the fear, or the realization my heart at least isn’t going to make it to my 45 birthday, it is getting up and walking out among people. I get very extroverted because I am a very intense introvert. I love books, learning, writing, and practicing martial arts by myself. 

     I can do without the compliments from others, I love helping people, I truly do not want to be noticed. It isn’t a bad thing mind you, I will do about anything to help my people lose the stigma that is thrown at them. I have put myself in the finals of a tedx event that would have put me in front of 100’s of people, and peers from the University I attend to help them, Thankfully it didn’t happen. It wasn’t the glory, it was the idea that no one realizes that a man like me might be scared out his mind, he will cry in public, but in the end I will work through it, for the good of the whole.

     I find that people have to say this a lot “what other people think of me, is none of my business”, I have to say ” what I think of myself is none of my business”, most people have stated more positives about me than I would have ever imagined. Do not get me wrong, I am not liked by everyone, I just usually agree with them. I told my life to a group of guys that reside outside my normal comfort zone, can you imagine my surprise when they were pointing out that I can be put into one positive word, “Perseverance”. I like that. That is something I can handle, for it doesn’t say abnormally strong, different, or anything actually. 

     I am a normal guy, a man who is not any different than others who get up each day and have to work through their difficulties, I feel I am lucky actually, after I leave the house it tends to be gravy from then on. See when the hardest most difficult thing in your life is getting up and leaving the house, the rest gets easier! That my friends is no joke. Peace