Soo Bahk!

I  enjoy what i can do in SBD! Learning and a little bit of teaching is what i enjoy! SBD is my family – if they like me or not. I might be the bratty brother of the group, but i will never quit, and i will enjoy it to my last breath. 

If that breath is tomorrow, or 60 years from now. Though according to most medical advice, my life will not be as long as i would like. 

Another heart procedure in 3 days! After that i start preparing for EDan again. Third times the charm. No i never failed the test. Just keep being pulled from it, a few weeks before it. Two years in a row, i had reservations at the hotel for the test, and doctors orders preventing me from making the test. ( well my ‘heart’ actually wasn’t in it!😂) 
ENJOY LIFE! BE FREE OF THE CONCEPT OF WHAT YOU DESERVE! For the end game is life isn’t a guarantee. I will die as i lived fast and furious. Waiting around for it does not do me any good. 

Maybe it will extend my life, or not. I believe the path is set, i am just here to run it. The decision is not mine to make. Those who know my past, and what it takes for me to get out of bed, know that i spent years waiting to die before SBD. 

Now i live because of it. I will never be a person that is looked at as important, nor skilled at it. I doubt i will ever test again after EDAN, but i will finish what i started and test for Kyo Sa. To do that -Edan is important. 

My world won’t stop. I will try to continue on to other ranks. That has never been important to me. EDAN isn’t important to me, what is important is helping people like myself who this world has thrown away, to find their path as i have through SBD. 

My biggest gain wasn’t physical, nor was it the degrees i obtained due to finding myself. It was family, and it was belonging. It was being accepted, even when that felt alien to me (actually still does). I talk to much, i act differently, i desire to be socially normal. When someone says i am different, even in a good way- i despise it. 

Fitting in- has never been my deal. Always was an outcast among outcast. SBD is a place that i feel like less of an outcast! ✌🏻 and Soo Bahk!!

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓

Damn life is both a bitch and good.

     The truth of my life is I was given a time frame on its expiration, unless I get a transplant. The funny thing is I am not sick enough to be on the list. Here is my issue- shut your trap about the time frame. Damn sitting on the idea you are set to go by a certain date. Please -mess with people much? 

      Me I went back finished my BA, and enrolled in an MA program. Life is a journey I refuse to lose. Never Tap Out is who I am. Like me, hate me, means nothing to me. 

     The journey is the victory. The finish isn’t nothing but a place to begin the next journey. When someone tells you who you are, face them and say thanks, though how would you know? You fight my battles that go on in my head? No, then shut your damn mouth. I love people who have no clue as to what you face everyday, tell you how it’s going to get better, and to not worry! Bite me! My worse battle daily is getting up! 

✌🏻from your 🎓🥋

Struggles of the only kind/ from nothing to something.

Truth be known, it isn’t the idea of struggling that usually has me worried; it is the idea of when, for I know I will. The life of a person suffering with mental illness is a journey of day to day compassion. The one who needs to be compassionate to the person with mental illness, isn’t the love ones, it is the one with it. I can love and help anyone and everyone that isn’t me. I am the hardest one on myself when I should understand it isn’t what I would do, had my illnesses not played their part in it. Now how do I think this double standard is right? I believe no matter what, I must strive to be better than I was yesterday. I didn’t get here by not holding myself to a higher standard than I do everyone else. I was borderline agoraphobic, only less then 6 years ago. This was who I was a military outcast, college dropout, homeless drug addict, two doctors said I was stupid, I was forced on to Social Security Disability, that was before. In less than 6 years I am now- a person who has achieved his dream of becoming a black belt ( Cho Dan ), going back to school and graduating with honors from a two year college with an ATA in Business Management, 4 other certificates, and was accepted into a special program at Western Washington University, where I am a senior right now. I haven’t stopped to breathe since I left the house less than six years ago. Is it fear? Yes if I fear it I go for it. I am afraid of people’s judgement, so I make them confused. I go from a shirt and tie, to tank top and flip flops, and I make it very difficult for myself each and every day. Why? Because I can, I must, I do it because to grow I must feel and understand the pain, I must believe it won’t control me. To believe has become surviving. The two year college was about grades. The four year college has been about conquering that which holds me hostage, me! I have sat and struggled in classes of 241, and in the middle of 150 person class, row 7 of a 14 row lecture hall. I survived both classes. I will again if needed. See life has granted me a chance to end the struggles that handcuffed my growth. It has empowered me with the idea of ableism- a word that allows me to see, I can be, it allows me to see I will be a version of a man, I can be proud of. See this version isn’t who I wanted, or others wanted of me. It is Better, far better than my dreams could ever be, when your fighting not just your unseen illnesses, but people’s versions of who they think you are, and the why unto which you act. We are not our illnesses, but players in the version of life, where to be accepted you must follow the version of reality set by those who only follow what they see. Well let them see my paperwork. I have the doctors, plenty of hospitals, and social security. I also have the doctor, the degrees, the black belt, and so will have the bachelor’s degree. Let them see the truth in that. We can become more than we were meant to be. choose to become the better than I was yesterday version. That version makes me realize it isn’t my illnesses that controls me, it is myself and how I respond to my illnesses, for it raise it’s ugly head, I must choose to fight it though support, understanding, therapy, psychology, and wherever the hell works at that moment. Finding your mind tricks that will help you. Mine is martial arts, and a hell of a lot of support. It took 30+ years to find what works for me. Find yours sooner! 

Bruce 

Peace to all- the journey isn’t over- it just begun