Tag: bipolar disorder

The day i needed input, got none.

I know i am not the best writer on here. I tell my story as it comes. Yesterday was hell, but it was needed.

I dont get why people spend a lifetime with you, and just dont care to know you. I am an open book. I make major mistakes due to my illnesses and i try my hardest to clean them up.

This has been going on for 40+ years. I have referred to myself, that i was the planned mistake. They wanted a boy who was normal, they got a boy who was not. The truth is i think death would cleanse this world of a bumsickle, the has fought and fought to be normal.

That truth isn’t the real truth though, its a truth based on how life has flipped me all over. I was just about out of a mixed state, when a person who i didnt know was getting warnings, decided to set me off again.

The truth is i still dont know what the hell the person was talking about.

People- if your going to attack a person in a mixed cycle, at least bring proof, cause frankly it was in my illnesses and i have no clue. I apologize for feelings, but not stupid enough to apologize for an action i cant control. An apology means i will never do bbn it again.

I am Bipolar- i will screw up again, and if i keep expressing my feelings i will live through these tough times.

Keep getting up, we are not as bad as we think we are.

I wish i can say this is my last post. Unfortunately this is how i live, behind the curtain.

If you truly knew me… i truly hate myself, but i know part of it is my illnesses. If you think you do not understand, try living with them.

I wish i can say i am done with recovery, unfortunately that is where my life is similar and not as bad as most.

I wish i was done with NAMI, but i am actually accepted as me.

I never want to leave martial arts, it allows me the discipline to fully hide myself and be accepted based on my abilities, not who i am outside the art. Oh if they only knew me, would i be accepted? Doubtful, though with my honesty they pretty much do. For some are watching now.

I would never let them in, had i known i might have a chance to go back. I do have a chance. Life isn’t perfect.

I am a Veteran they tell me for i served over a year and due to something that happens based on mental health was asked out of my service.

I am a college dropout.

I am a black belt, i went back to college ten years later to achieve my bachelor’s, and i have eight and half years sober.

I fight this mental health crap every day of my life. Who am I, I am nobody. Just someone who wants to be better than they were yesterday. I fail once every three daysor so. Should i stop fighting?

No.

Will I irritate, and hurt most of my love ones, unfortunately yes.

Will it hurt me more, don’t know about more, but it destroys me each time.

They said friends comes and go, but family stays forever. Well not in my case. Everyone comes and goes. Some family goes, some friends goes. Some friends stays, some family stays.

When your head does not work right, people leave you, that is your lot in life.

Just keep fighting. Some day I hope I am forgiven for being broken and still trying to be better.

The life lesson is this, life is the ups and downs, our choices are either fight or flight.

I guess my father was right all along, i am a violent S.O.B. it’s just that my violence has never been about hurting people purposefully, it’s always been about fighting the inside of my head.

Mixed state ( Deadly thoughts to mania and back) the fun times.

I talk to live, but i dont live to talk.

I have been open about the pain in my head, and the desire to want to die.

Most people do not even realizes how serious i am about my situation. I am actually lucky my family doesn’t check up on me, and the seemed bothered by me. Makes hiding easier.

My psychiatrist said i am in crisis, i have met with my therapist once, but we talked again, with another appointment a week from the first.

The professionals know theres a problem, everyone else besides the few, dont know because they won’t check. Good.

No one noticed that i am no longer a mental health advocate, due to a problem of broken trust. Another story that will never be told.

Truth is i am glad no one thinks i am still sick. Except my wife and her family. I am alone, though my wife is here, but i just seem to feel alone.

BI-POLAR

People keep telling me to stop apologizing. i can name several of my love ones that do it, its not that they dont care, nor that they are not educated. The problem is they just don’t pay attention to what is they say.

Talking to someone like me, is like being full P.C. all the time. You can’t. There is no way you wont try to get me up and going while i am in a bad state, with all the wrong sayings, that actually motivates others. You are witnessing someone you love collapsing in front of you. You want to fix it. You can’t.

Here’s the problem, it won’t fix me right then. Time will give me back to the world. And i will apologize for being sick a hundred times. It’s part of the sickness. My world can be a selfish one. I don’t like, or want it to be selfish, i just dont know how to get up and do what people want me to do some days.

The good news is that i am bipolar, which means that i will bounce back from it. The problem, is not the issue; the issue is the patients of my love ones. I am a fighter, i have accomplished many things that the doctor’s said i couldn’t do. Relax into the knowledge that it will happen.

I recently just started painting, why because i can. No other reason. See my limits are my own brain, while on the down side, i can not find the strength to get out of bed, maybe i am saving it, for when i do get out of bed and accomplish those amazing things.

All my issues can be described in one word– Bipolar

Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

My Story

   My past was difficult. I entered the Navy as an E3, and third generation to boot, it was my life to retire from the service. Then after “A” school, while on leave it happened. I flipped out. I asked for help from the military, and they deemed that all I wanted was to get out. That was untrue. I was left to my own devices and went down a bad path because of how I was treated. I ended up homeless for over two years, living in Norfolk VA, New Orleans LA, Warren OH, and Los Osos CA. I then tried getting sober at twenty two in Kent WA, for ten plus years I would accumulate one and half to two years while struggling what I found out to be Bipolar 2. Seven days after learning I was bipolar, I met my previous wife, after a doctor told me to get off my meds I tried taking my life, then three days later I awoke in hell 5150 in Los Angles Ca. My then wife gave me a plane ticket and told me to get out. Back to Kent I went separated from her for four years because she hated me that bad. All I did was listen to the doctor without tapering off my meds(didn’t know I needed to at the time). I then was forced onto social security and told I would never work again. I have been told I was below average intelligence in 2003, and again in 2011. I ended up dropping out of college in 2005. After a year of meeting my present wife I went into a agoraphobic for four years, giving up on life. I shot to three hundred ten pounds. My present wife ( girlfriend then) and I moved to Skagit county. Here is where life became life. 
     I had nothing to lose. Life was just not worth living. So I changed. I went to a place where I met this man who rubbed me the wrong way, and then saw him again, when I decided to go for a dream I have had since I was a child. He became my marital arts instructor and then my mentor, and finally the best man at my wedding, but that comes later. I started forcing myself to leave my house and go to martial arts, first taking the bus, then driving. My instructor got me taking him places due to the fact he was legally blind and couldn’t drive. I just took life in steps, the next step, class, and test, soon I was a red belt with a friend who went to classes all the time, we competed to see who would go to more classes, get there first, and leave latest. We never cared who was better, that didn’t matter. He ended not being able to continue after we entered the rank just one level till my dream of a black belt. I started teaching, and became interested in owning my own studio.

      I went back to school this time for Business Management, so I can run the business end.You should always be prepared to succeed and I certainly was not. I received my Black Belt June 23, 2014 and was awarded my ATA August 2014. Here is where it got good, some how I fell in love with school, I had a non transfer degree I was done right? No I was not. I was told about a program at Western Washington University, where I could transfer and achieve a Bachelor’s of Arts degree. I needed recommendations, and I had to interview to get in. I thought well that sucks, I could never do that. Well my wife said if they don’t let you in, don’t worry anymore about school, but you are going to put in 100 % into getting in. I did, though I blew off a scholarship for Phi Theta Kappa because I didn’t think it would happen. Well it did, I received my bachelor’s on June 10, 2017 and was accepted into a masters program on June 19, 2017.

     Now life isn’t perfect for me, I was suppose to test for my second degree black belt on October 2016, but my heart went bad. I was diagnosed with with C. H. F ( Congestive Heart Failure ). Well I am who I am, I am testing for my second degree black belt in October of this year. Am I ready? I don’t know, I do know this: January they said ( on my forty second birthday mind you) that I will need a heart transplant within two years. Ugh life’s over right? Heck no. I know someone will die either for me or I will, but that doesn’t mean I am done now. I just got done being in the top three for a job, no I didn’t get it, but I made it to the second interview, I am in a masters program, I help others, and I have people in my life who judge me, based on me, not on how I look, or my illnesses. I think outside the box, depression was an old friend I kick to the curb, and if I only have a year and a half—I will continue to follow the path that shows the most love. My name is Bruce Alan Weller Jr and I will never again hide what I have, for if you understand anything about us. We as a people with mental health issues, are smart, hard working, and work very hard on proving everyone wrong! I know I am not the only one to do it!

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓