What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

Damn ICD

     Lovely day in the neighborhood ‘pop’ goes the weasel – nah just my ICD.

     I guess it is good I am not testing for my second degree black belt this weekend. I now understand why I despise being different, ‘special’, or otherwise outside the social norm. 

      See they say my ICD is going off because i have this double receptor in my heart that is in only a few people 1-10 or some shit. They are going in to burn it out or some crap. Well my ICD has led me to love to feel the blast of the electricity- NOT! 

I was suppose to test this weekend, but last week- doctor pulled my note that I could. Pissed off I am. I was schedule to test last year when this shit started! 

So —How’s your morning? 

Ugh C.H.F

     Here is the thing with people, you will all probably ignore this as well. When someone try’s to to talk out an issue, we tap them on the head, or ignore what they are truly saying so we do not have to deal with it ourselves. I have tried to laugh out stuff that was dangerous before, and it nearly destroyed me. Most people want to shrug off my C.H.F. As no big deal, just those that go to the doctors with me don’t. Wonder why that is? 

     Oh because it is a big deal. I hope I do live life and get a transplant. If they change there mind that is and realize working with 25% of a heart is dangerous. I had a nice ambulance ride Thursday because my left arm went completely numb. They wanted to keep me overnight, but it isn’t dangerous right. 

    Here is the thing, I am a fighter, but no one is around to see the hits I am taking now. I am looking for work when I really should not be, why because my bills are piling up, and one of the things I always wanted to do is work! Before I go. 

     So yes I am taking this very seriously. I am actually doing my bucket list. It’s cool, I am not living for others anymore- well I will always live for my wife. Thanks everyone for listening to a man that just keeps stepping up when things keep trying to knock me down. 

Belief in self

I sit here and know that life is a battle of getting through hardships. I was just about to get off of social security when the latest battle began. It is my hardest battle, this battle is one that I truly struggle to show my positive self. Here is the crunch of the problem, I find it to be the most learning experience of my life. I might never work, people might or might not believe in me. The idea of life is the ongoing battle of focusing on your next indicated step. I am fighting to go back to school, I have lost martial arts for the time being, so I am now  settling into writing. The understanding that life with throw you curves, it is what you do with the pitch that matters. I choose to swing hard and hit it, or strike out trying to hit it. Life is not a failure if you try, life is a failure if you don’t. I have begun writing books, will they get published? Probably not. Do I care? No. This is about finding the person that will bring forth the truth of who I am, and why I am still here. I am no one special, just a guy who believes in never quitting, and never giving up on himself. I focus on my issues, I never try and break another’s trust. Integrity is not just a word to me- IT is a life choice. A way of being, a focus on the 7 P’s- prior, proper, planning, prevents, piss, poor,performance. Finding and developing a structure of creating my imagination. I create, but creation is never enough without evolving the characters of what is needed.  As in life it is all about evolving from the limits of who we are. I have more limits now due to my heart, does it stop me? No. I have been limited due to mental health, does that stop me? No. Truth is, it might slow me down, it might change my path, but in the end it will never bring me down. I choose to fight, it might mean re-evaluating what I can do, but I am never finish until I am no longer here. Belief in self, you are your best friend, or your worse enemy, the choice is yours.