Truth

So it seems that telling what i have done in life is upsetting to people. A few people have said that it isn’t relevant to life, well i am not bragging, but trying to show that we can overcome anything. No matter what.

I guess that doesn’t matter. Whatever. The message is heard correctly in one part of my life, and not in the other. Well to those that find me a selfish bastard, thats you. I am just trying to use this life to help others.

If you all think i am so arrogant. Let me tell you want i see and feel. I am a non working person, whose illnesses make them have to rely on others to survive. That is what i see.

That is not the truth of who i am, but it is who i see when i look in the mirror. The truth is between the two i guess. I have been told i brag, i am not humble, my message isnt alcoholic enough, and that people say i dont care what anyone else says.

Well the truth is, i dont care about the good things people say, or i do in life. Life isn’t about about that, it is about overcoming the bad to do the good things in life.

My journey isn’t any harder than anyone else’s. Yeah i have mental health issues, and a bum heart where the doctor’s gave me an awesome message of a lack of a future.

I still have found an awesome wife, and her family loves me. The support is beyond anything i could imagine. I am asked to talk at the local level of NAMI (National Alliance for Mental illness) on more then one occasion.

This isn’t about what I have done in life, this is what i am trying to give back. The doctor’s gave me 2 years unless i get a heart transplant, 1 year 4 months ago, yes i might survive, but i got better, not fully. I have found myself nearly being shocked to death, because i will not just sit back and wait to die.

When it shocked me 3 times in 6 minutes, i didn’t think it was going to stop shocking me. It is very scary, but i am still here trying to help others and fighting hard. Last time they checked my heart, it improved from 19% to 27%, yes i am functioning at 27% of my heart. A lot less than half of a full functioning heart.

I still feel blessed and happy in my life. I just want to help as many people as i can before the end. I might live for a minute, or 20+years. When you are told that you will not live long, and at middle age, your actually old, for at 43 there is really more of a chance that 86 will not be in your future, the world changes in how you approach life.

I live to help others, always have. Now i just have a shorter time to do it.

I am a fighter are you?

Life is a journey that has led me down a steep and crazy path. I have not written for a while, due to the fact that my heart started to get better, that better is 27% means that i was sleeping and working, and that was all i was doing in the last few months.

Yes after fifteen long and trying years on social security for mental illness, i went back to work for over three months. It might not seem like much, but if my heart wasn’t damaged i would still be working. Which to me, is a clear cut win and victory for my fight with mental health issues.

See my ICD went off three times one after the other in a matter of six to ten minutes. It had gone of previously two other times in two different months, and they were months apart. So after it went off twice in six month, it went off three times in less than ten minutes. This was scary, and my wife asked me to quit my job.

It was difficult because i found a job that fit me. I helped people with disabilities like myself. Now unemployed again, and trying not to whine. I was so close this time. My world was coming together finally. The three shocks really scared me as well, i thought that the 911 call, due to the fact i was standing through shock one and two, and dropped for the third one on purpose, due to the fact that the shocks were not stopping, was going to be the call for them to pick up my body.

Living with mental health is bad enough, adding this physical issue, now that’s what makes my life crazy! The idea that i have five unseen issues; really and truly sucks. Though the world only truly acts like it cares about the one issue.

They said i couldn’t read, so i ended up reading for fun, they said i was two stupid to to make through college, so i got my bachelor’s degree,they said i was going to die in two years unless i got a heart transplant, so i went back to work and got better.

I am still fighting, and i will win the overall war, because i do what they say i can’t. I have lost the little battles. I will continue to lose some battles, but the war is won, because i choose to fight in it. I get up each day and i fight. The hardest thing i do these days is get out of bed. You know after three shocks and two more days in the hospital, they still had to convince me to stop working.

I am a fighter are you?

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

Damn ICD

     Lovely day in the neighborhood ‘pop’ goes the weasel – nah just my ICD.

     I guess it is good I am not testing for my second degree black belt this weekend. I now understand why I despise being different, ‘special’, or otherwise outside the social norm. 

      See they say my ICD is going off because i have this double receptor in my heart that is in only a few people 1-10 or some shit. They are going in to burn it out or some crap. Well my ICD has led me to love to feel the blast of the electricity- NOT! 

I was suppose to test this weekend, but last week- doctor pulled my note that I could. Pissed off I am. I was schedule to test last year when this shit started! 

So —How’s your morning? 

Ugh C.H.F

     Here is the thing with people, you will all probably ignore this as well. When someone try’s to to talk out an issue, we tap them on the head, or ignore what they are truly saying so we do not have to deal with it ourselves. I have tried to laugh out stuff that was dangerous before, and it nearly destroyed me. Most people want to shrug off my C.H.F. As no big deal, just those that go to the doctors with me don’t. Wonder why that is? 

     Oh because it is a big deal. I hope I do live life and get a transplant. If they change there mind that is and realize working with 25% of a heart is dangerous. I had a nice ambulance ride Thursday because my left arm went completely numb. They wanted to keep me overnight, but it isn’t dangerous right. 

    Here is the thing, I am a fighter, but no one is around to see the hits I am taking now. I am looking for work when I really should not be, why because my bills are piling up, and one of the things I always wanted to do is work! Before I go. 

     So yes I am taking this very seriously. I am actually doing my bucket list. It’s cool, I am not living for others anymore- well I will always live for my wife. Thanks everyone for listening to a man that just keeps stepping up when things keep trying to knock me down.