Soo Bahk!

I  enjoy what i can do in SBD! Learning and a little bit of teaching is what i enjoy! SBD is my family – if they like me or not. I might be the bratty brother of the group, but i will never quit, and i will enjoy it to my last breath. 

If that breath is tomorrow, or 60 years from now. Though according to most medical advice, my life will not be as long as i would like. 

Another heart procedure in 3 days! After that i start preparing for EDan again. Third times the charm. No i never failed the test. Just keep being pulled from it, a few weeks before it. Two years in a row, i had reservations at the hotel for the test, and doctors orders preventing me from making the test. ( well my ‘heart’ actually wasn’t in it!😂) 
ENJOY LIFE! BE FREE OF THE CONCEPT OF WHAT YOU DESERVE! For the end game is life isn’t a guarantee. I will die as i lived fast and furious. Waiting around for it does not do me any good. 

Maybe it will extend my life, or not. I believe the path is set, i am just here to run it. The decision is not mine to make. Those who know my past, and what it takes for me to get out of bed, know that i spent years waiting to die before SBD. 

Now i live because of it. I will never be a person that is looked at as important, nor skilled at it. I doubt i will ever test again after EDAN, but i will finish what i started and test for Kyo Sa. To do that -Edan is important. 

My world won’t stop. I will try to continue on to other ranks. That has never been important to me. EDAN isn’t important to me, what is important is helping people like myself who this world has thrown away, to find their path as i have through SBD. 

My biggest gain wasn’t physical, nor was it the degrees i obtained due to finding myself. It was family, and it was belonging. It was being accepted, even when that felt alien to me (actually still does). I talk to much, i act differently, i desire to be socially normal. When someone says i am different, even in a good way- i despise it. 

Fitting in- has never been my deal. Always was an outcast among outcast. SBD is a place that i feel like less of an outcast! ✌🏻 and Soo Bahk!!

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

Life little lesson

Your world is yours, and yet we can forget how far we have come. In the last year I had to shorten my time away from home due to an enlarged heart with a hole in it. I started complaining of being on a half Life deal. I can only do half of the stuff I did last year. 

The funny thing is my half life now is twice the life I had eight years ago, when I was coming out of my agoraphobia. That lasted four plus years, depending on who you asked. My parents say ten plus years, me i say four, betting it was in between. 

Life changed so much eight years ago that spending more time at home because my heart is working at a mer 25- 27% is difficult. Yet this has not stopped me, it slowed me down yes, but stopped- no way. I am testing for my second degree black belt soon, and I already went back and finished my bachelors degree. 

Look I know I am repeating myself a lot, but when it is written, it is forever! This is why I write. I will be forever grateful to my family, for putting up with me. It is tough to be mentally, and physically disabled. Life is the process, and the process is the life! ✌🏻

Live through who you truly are

My life was set as a kid, I imagined retiring from the us navy- nope it was not what happened. I went to school to be an accounting clerk- nope it was not what happened. I started going to martial arts- I achieved my dream and received by black belt, and I also began to teach, I went back to school and ended up 13 credits from a bachelor’s degree- wham my heart screwed up, seems I will need a transplant in two years. This time I will fight the school that won’t let me Back in, due to becoming sick for a quarter, and I will test for my second degree black belt, I was a few weeks from testing when I found out about my heart. I have struggled through life, just to get what most people take for granted and whine about.  The truth about life is what one person complains about, is another’s dream. I desire a job, a way to help people, and support my family. I want to make life easier for my wife. I start out each month -62 dollars on what little income I do have. That is before all the medical bills piled on. Life is a way of struggle and ways to adapt to the struggles. I was two tests in martial arts, and 13 credits in school of obtaining a new way of life. The of another unseen illness devastated all that, and here we are, I am now waiting with a heart that is working at 15% for them to put me on the transplant list, and will need a heart they say in two years, and I am taking 15 different medications. More than people twice my age, for I am only 42 years old. I fight three mental health issues, and a heart issue- four unseen issues- only one accepted by most people. Where life struggles is where help should be- not where people believe it should. Mental health is an illness that is needed to be more accepted in life, but it is not, and probably won’t be in my life by most. Truth is for me it makes me stronger, it allows me to walk through this heart issue as if it was just another step in life to conquer. Remember my fellow mental health clients, we are stronger than we are given credit for. We can fight for ourselves and we can live a happy life!