Tag: Heart Disease

Truth

So it seems that telling what i have done in life is upsetting to people. A few people have said that it isn’t relevant to life, well i am not bragging, but trying to show that we can overcome anything. No matter what.

I guess that doesn’t matter. Whatever. The message is heard correctly in one part of my life, and not in the other. Well to those that find me a selfish bastard, thats you. I am just trying to use this life to help others.

If you all think i am so arrogant. Let me tell you want i see and feel. I am a non working person, whose illnesses make them have to rely on others to survive. That is what i see.

That is not the truth of who i am, but it is who i see when i look in the mirror. The truth is between the two i guess. I have been told i brag, i am not humble, my message isnt alcoholic enough, and that people say i dont care what anyone else says.

Well the truth is, i dont care about the good things people say, or i do in life. Life isn’t about about that, it is about overcoming the bad to do the good things in life.

My journey isn’t any harder than anyone else’s. Yeah i have mental health issues, and a bum heart where the doctor’s gave me an awesome message of a lack of a future.

I still have found an awesome wife, and her family loves me. The support is beyond anything i could imagine. I am asked to talk at the local level of NAMI (National Alliance for Mental illness) on more then one occasion.

This isn’t about what I have done in life, this is what i am trying to give back. The doctor’s gave me 2 years unless i get a heart transplant, 1 year 4 months ago, yes i might survive, but i got better, not fully. I have found myself nearly being shocked to death, because i will not just sit back and wait to die.

When it shocked me 3 times in 6 minutes, i didn’t think it was going to stop shocking me. It is very scary, but i am still here trying to help others and fighting hard. Last time they checked my heart, it improved from 19% to 27%, yes i am functioning at 27% of my heart. A lot less than half of a full functioning heart.

I still feel blessed and happy in my life. I just want to help as many people as i can before the end. I might live for a minute, or 20+years. When you are told that you will not live long, and at middle age, your actually old, for at 43 there is really more of a chance that 86 will not be in your future, the world changes in how you approach life.

I live to help others, always have. Now i just have a shorter time to do it.

3-20-2017- Realizing Life is Easy, when the hardest part is getting out of bed! 

    Today is a hard day, I find the truth of my changes to have been instilled in who I am. As I write this, I feel like the center is love, where is the establishment of my hatred of the crazy that is in me today? As in why did it take me this long to want to find what is successful, and what is a bad mindset 

     I am calling today psycho Monday, for I meet with both my psychiatrist, and therapist today. I have no heart appointments today. I actually am out for the last time, and it is going to be a long day, I can’t until Friday, when my wife gets paid. I am out of gas after today. Money is going out faster then it comes in. I hope life gets easier soon.

     Perception of my life has changed each day making me stronger, and more adaptable as I am able. Why can I not be one of the people that find peace and harmony in their lives? I guess for me that would just be too boring. I don’t do boring! My life might not always be fun, but boring it is not. 

    I am got through most of the day when I contacted a friend, they got back to me, I found out they had lost someone else to mental health. This person has lost more than me. She has been my biggest supporter. I was so tired today, I crash when I got home, but I got her message when I woke up, instead of being upset, this person said I should write down my recovery tips. See the reason is this; the truth is I have gone through a bit in my life, and I have stayed strong, and I am not afraid of my worst nightmare, for that person is me.

     I will do that on one of my future posts. I am not an expert on much, for the hardest part of my day isn’t the mistakes, the fear, or the realization my heart at least isn’t going to make it to my 45 birthday, it is getting up and walking out among people. I get very extroverted because I am a very intense introvert. I love books, learning, writing, and practicing martial arts by myself. 

     I can do without the compliments from others, I love helping people, I truly do not want to be noticed. It isn’t a bad thing mind you, I will do about anything to help my people lose the stigma that is thrown at them. I have put myself in the finals of a tedx event that would have put me in front of 100’s of people, and peers from the University I attend to help them, Thankfully it didn’t happen. It wasn’t the glory, it was the idea that no one realizes that a man like me might be scared out his mind, he will cry in public, but in the end I will work through it, for the good of the whole.

     I find that people have to say this a lot “what other people think of me, is none of my business”, I have to say ” what I think of myself is none of my business”, most people have stated more positives about me than I would have ever imagined. Do not get me wrong, I am not liked by everyone, I just usually agree with them. I told my life to a group of guys that reside outside my normal comfort zone, can you imagine my surprise when they were pointing out that I can be put into one positive word, “Perseverance”. I like that. That is something I can handle, for it doesn’t say abnormally strong, different, or anything actually. 

     I am a normal guy, a man who is not any different than others who get up each day and have to work through their difficulties, I feel I am lucky actually, after I leave the house it tends to be gravy from then on. See when the hardest most difficult thing in your life is getting up and leaving the house, the rest gets easier! That my friends is no joke. Peace