Soo Bahk!

I  enjoy what i can do in SBD! Learning and a little bit of teaching is what i enjoy! SBD is my family – if they like me or not. I might be the bratty brother of the group, but i will never quit, and i will enjoy it to my last breath. 

If that breath is tomorrow, or 60 years from now. Though according to most medical advice, my life will not be as long as i would like. 

Another heart procedure in 3 days! After that i start preparing for EDan again. Third times the charm. No i never failed the test. Just keep being pulled from it, a few weeks before it. Two years in a row, i had reservations at the hotel for the test, and doctors orders preventing me from making the test. ( well my ‘heart’ actually wasn’t in it!😂) 
ENJOY LIFE! BE FREE OF THE CONCEPT OF WHAT YOU DESERVE! For the end game is life isn’t a guarantee. I will die as i lived fast and furious. Waiting around for it does not do me any good. 

Maybe it will extend my life, or not. I believe the path is set, i am just here to run it. The decision is not mine to make. Those who know my past, and what it takes for me to get out of bed, know that i spent years waiting to die before SBD. 

Now i live because of it. I will never be a person that is looked at as important, nor skilled at it. I doubt i will ever test again after EDAN, but i will finish what i started and test for Kyo Sa. To do that -Edan is important. 

My world won’t stop. I will try to continue on to other ranks. That has never been important to me. EDAN isn’t important to me, what is important is helping people like myself who this world has thrown away, to find their path as i have through SBD. 

My biggest gain wasn’t physical, nor was it the degrees i obtained due to finding myself. It was family, and it was belonging. It was being accepted, even when that felt alien to me (actually still does). I talk to much, i act differently, i desire to be socially normal. When someone says i am different, even in a good way- i despise it. 

Fitting in- has never been my deal. Always was an outcast among outcast. SBD is a place that i feel like less of an outcast! ✌🏻 and Soo Bahk!!

Life little lesson

Your world is yours, and yet we can forget how far we have come. In the last year I had to shorten my time away from home due to an enlarged heart with a hole in it. I started complaining of being on a half Life deal. I can only do half of the stuff I did last year. 

The funny thing is my half life now is twice the life I had eight years ago, when I was coming out of my agoraphobia. That lasted four plus years, depending on who you asked. My parents say ten plus years, me i say four, betting it was in between. 

Life changed so much eight years ago that spending more time at home because my heart is working at a mer 25- 27% is difficult. Yet this has not stopped me, it slowed me down yes, but stopped- no way. I am testing for my second degree black belt soon, and I already went back and finished my bachelors degree. 

Look I know I am repeating myself a lot, but when it is written, it is forever! This is why I write. I will be forever grateful to my family, for putting up with me. It is tough to be mentally, and physically disabled. Life is the process, and the process is the life! ✌🏻

My Story

   My past was difficult. I entered the Navy as an E3, and third generation to boot, it was my life to retire from the service. Then after “A” school, while on leave it happened. I flipped out. I asked for help from the military, and they deemed that all I wanted was to get out. That was untrue. I was left to my own devices and went down a bad path because of how I was treated. I ended up homeless for over two years, living in Norfolk VA, New Orleans LA, Warren OH, and Los Osos CA. I then tried getting sober at twenty two in Kent WA, for ten plus years I would accumulate one and half to two years while struggling what I found out to be Bipolar 2. Seven days after learning I was bipolar, I met my previous wife, after a doctor told me to get off my meds I tried taking my life, then three days later I awoke in hell 5150 in Los Angles Ca. My then wife gave me a plane ticket and told me to get out. Back to Kent I went separated from her for four years because she hated me that bad. All I did was listen to the doctor without tapering off my meds(didn’t know I needed to at the time). I then was forced onto social security and told I would never work again. I have been told I was below average intelligence in 2003, and again in 2011. I ended up dropping out of college in 2005. After a year of meeting my present wife I went into a agoraphobic for four years, giving up on life. I shot to three hundred ten pounds. My present wife ( girlfriend then) and I moved to Skagit county. Here is where life became life. 
     I had nothing to lose. Life was just not worth living. So I changed. I went to a place where I met this man who rubbed me the wrong way, and then saw him again, when I decided to go for a dream I have had since I was a child. He became my marital arts instructor and then my mentor, and finally the best man at my wedding, but that comes later. I started forcing myself to leave my house and go to martial arts, first taking the bus, then driving. My instructor got me taking him places due to the fact he was legally blind and couldn’t drive. I just took life in steps, the next step, class, and test, soon I was a red belt with a friend who went to classes all the time, we competed to see who would go to more classes, get there first, and leave latest. We never cared who was better, that didn’t matter. He ended not being able to continue after we entered the rank just one level till my dream of a black belt. I started teaching, and became interested in owning my own studio.

      I went back to school this time for Business Management, so I can run the business end.You should always be prepared to succeed and I certainly was not. I received my Black Belt June 23, 2014 and was awarded my ATA August 2014. Here is where it got good, some how I fell in love with school, I had a non transfer degree I was done right? No I was not. I was told about a program at Western Washington University, where I could transfer and achieve a Bachelor’s of Arts degree. I needed recommendations, and I had to interview to get in. I thought well that sucks, I could never do that. Well my wife said if they don’t let you in, don’t worry anymore about school, but you are going to put in 100 % into getting in. I did, though I blew off a scholarship for Phi Theta Kappa because I didn’t think it would happen. Well it did, I received my bachelor’s on June 10, 2017 and was accepted into a masters program on June 19, 2017.

     Now life isn’t perfect for me, I was suppose to test for my second degree black belt on October 2016, but my heart went bad. I was diagnosed with with C. H. F ( Congestive Heart Failure ). Well I am who I am, I am testing for my second degree black belt in October of this year. Am I ready? I don’t know, I do know this: January they said ( on my forty second birthday mind you) that I will need a heart transplant within two years. Ugh life’s over right? Heck no. I know someone will die either for me or I will, but that doesn’t mean I am done now. I just got done being in the top three for a job, no I didn’t get it, but I made it to the second interview, I am in a masters program, I help others, and I have people in my life who judge me, based on me, not on how I look, or my illnesses. I think outside the box, depression was an old friend I kick to the curb, and if I only have a year and a half—I will continue to follow the path that shows the most love. My name is Bruce Alan Weller Jr and I will never again hide what I have, for if you understand anything about us. We as a people with mental health issues, are smart, hard working, and work very hard on proving everyone wrong! I know I am not the only one to do it!

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓

Damn life is both a bitch and good.

     The truth of my life is I was given a time frame on its expiration, unless I get a transplant. The funny thing is I am not sick enough to be on the list. Here is my issue- shut your trap about the time frame. Damn sitting on the idea you are set to go by a certain date. Please -mess with people much? 

      Me I went back finished my BA, and enrolled in an MA program. Life is a journey I refuse to lose. Never Tap Out is who I am. Like me, hate me, means nothing to me. 

     The journey is the victory. The finish isn’t nothing but a place to begin the next journey. When someone tells you who you are, face them and say thanks, though how would you know? You fight my battles that go on in my head? No, then shut your damn mouth. I love people who have no clue as to what you face everyday, tell you how it’s going to get better, and to not worry! Bite me! My worse battle daily is getting up! 

✌🏻from your 🎓🥋

3-23-2017 Two months since finding out I need a heart transplant

  The truth of life for me, is I woke up screaming, I woke  up my wife because of a nightmare I had. The nightmare had me being the defenseless one in the dream. That is weird because I had been training in martial arts for 7+ years before my heart stopped working from heart failure, it is running at 15% as of now with medication help.

     First they thought it was meth heart, where the heart is damaged because of being a meth addict, which I was in my youth. Meth allowed me to be normal because of my ADHD. They believed it was that before they did tests and found no scarring on my heart. They then sent me to UW hospital in Seattle Wa, where it was descovered that it was genetic. It became the first of four illnesses, I was not blamed for. When you were an addict with several mental health issues, most people blame you, for things that you had no control over. 

     Here is where it got good, now this is my 42nd birthday mind you, and two months ago today. I then learned that I needed a heart transplant, two months ago, and I still am beating myself up for bringing it up, life is hard, i might not make it to my 45th birthday, now they gave me till my 44th at the most, but I am not stupid, 

     I know it is hard to figure out how long life will be in these situations. Even if I live and get a heart, someone dies, yeah I know they would have anyways. How would anyone else take that? Me I am empathetic and I have issues watching the news. I told the doctor on the first day, if it meant taking the heart from a child that needs it, I wasn’t going to do it. She told me, there was two lists, and it was based on size. 

     I want to live, I just do not want to live at the cost of another person who has more life than me. I have achieved my dream and am on bonus time, almost completing dreams two and three. I have not and probably will never get back to work, but I work hard volunteering for what little check I get on social security. I hate it, that what most people complain about, I want, and that is a job. I wish I could work, and support my medication, doctors appointments, and my family above all else. It was working out, I was about to get my bachelors degree (going back spring quarter to finish the 13 credits), so I could switch with my wife for four years or more. 

     All so she could have her turn at school, when this heart situation hit me. The problem now is, I am uncertain if I will even be alive in four plus years. I feel like I screw her over. I will fight to the very end, but I feel I let her down, my mind and now my body are nothing but a damaged mess. I won’t quit, I never do, but did my mind, and now my body quit on me? Or did I deserve this for making the mistakes I made in my life? These questions are what I think about daily. 

3-22-2017 Rocked by depression due to Heart and Bipolar

     I am bipolar type II and I am on major depression with a side Order of can’t leave the freaking house! Nice combination when you realize you might not make your 45 birthday because your heart sucks. Lucky for me I know I will break it. 

     I know people will think I am over thinking this, But I also said this is  outlet writing, and now I have realized I can’t leave my house. Screw it, I like living more than I will be considered a whack job.

      Still hate everyone’s trying to change everyone’s opinion, especially on places like Facebook where there has been things proven to be fake. So relax. But right now I am more worried about me, Yep I am selfish and pissed that my life was destroyed not for the first time, shoot not the second either. This time I brought my wife Miranda with me. Not cool. 

     Don’t freak I will not do anything stupid, thus why I write! Duh. I write to live, and I live to write. I don’t have to debate the curves of how my mind works, for frankly there isn’t a way to explain myself. I know how bad I am, I am not a fool to be told this and that. My dog only lays by side these days when I am really bad, guess where she is? She came up and woke me up by kissing me, normally she barks, she woke me from a very bad dream, so yes I understand where I am. 

    Do I find myself wanting to die, nope, I am more depressed that I might not make to my 45th birthday, they gave me till my 44th birthday at the most, unless I get a heart transplant, I know it be longer, or it could be shorter for that matter. 

     I was about to test for my second degree black belt, when this heart issue happened. Right now I can’t even last a day mostly sitting. I plan to finish what I started. I will never quit, I know what is causing this, and it will pass, but until it does, it freaken sucks. 

     I wrestle with the demons of my life, and I get up and win 90% of the time. Today I am stuck at home within a depression, unlike I have had in a great while. So I will write, I  will read, I will watch cartoons, or I do anything that will take me away from my thoughts! Life today, or this week will not be easy, but life is not easy, it is just life. Your not Guaranteed a good life, your just granted a life, until it’s over. Hoping I have more life in the future. 

     I think about the fact that a death will happen, if I am to live. That is the toughest thing for me. It isn’t the heart, it is how they will get it. I understand that the person would have died anyways, but living with empathy my whole life, makes it difficult. I hope this blog allows you to understand why this bothers me. Peace to all.