Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

Grief and I 

You must all know that I am very unnerved by my physical limits, I am fearful of dying, but I have no decision in that. Death is when your heart stops beating, is what we learned in life. How to keep a person alive is keep their heart beating right? What happens when they tell you that you need to change yours out? That your heart is running at 15%, up from 10% only because your taking 15 meds to make that happen? Would you be upset? Would you not try for every moment to make it a good life? I keep these feelings out of it, they are no go to anyone, especially myself. I want to make other people happy, hang with family, and friends alike. I don’t want to be a downer, I don’t like getting or making people upset. We each grieve over different things, I choose to hide the fact I believe that a heart transplant is a serious surgery, and I have a chance to not come out alive. I have started back to church, been in close accidents doing what I am not suppose to- pushing myself. I grew up pushing myself beyond my limits, now I am just suppose to stop. I am better than when this began, not all the time. I began life with people telling me what I can’t do. Now I really can’t do it. No Big deal for me, I must move forward, I must take each step. For there is no choose in life. The meds I take now, and after the transplant will affect my bipolar- so remember how much I hate that now, I get to look forward to less control later. No matter what happens this is my time to be in the best control of who I am. In two years if it happens like the doctors say- I will not be the same man I am now. Would that not scare you? I just don’t want fear to destroy what is going on now. I want to live the best I can. Make freaky jokes in surgery, enjoy my time. For life is short, and I am done losing time because of me. Peace

Need to pin this to all and to all a good night! Lol

The journey I set in my life was about ‘suggestions’ and desires gone bye bye. I lived a life of unwanted desire to be apart of, instead I found myself apart. The military thought me damaged, and so did I, thus damaging myself far beyond the point of no return. I allowed several doctors to convince me to up meds, or not take meds, where my life was almost forfeited, and still can be. I truly feel that I am not going to make it. I want it know at the end of this Christmas that I hope I will be here next year. Though all my joking and sarcasm I have a damaged heart, I am paying for my past, I understand heart surgery is no big deal. That isn’t a point I agree with. I am now treated and helped as I should have been at the beginning of my mental health. I am allowed mistakes because I am now considered sick, not looked down on. The funny thing is you can’t see this illness either. Why is that those that torture themselves are also tortured by others? If there was no mental health issues, my physical ones would not be here, or at least as early. I am castrated by the suggestions of others, trying to be a better man than I was yesterday. I will not have a future beyond this life, that was a choice by another as well. So how must it end for such as me? A lonely bitter old man with a beautiful wife that deserved more? Or will it end as a success story of surviving the worst decision I ever made? To serve our beloved country, to help make it a better place? For when I asked for help, they kicked me while I was down, left me 3000 miles from my home, and said have a nice day loser. Stating I was of sound mind after at least two documented suicide watches. Where is life where honesty is no longer the accepted communication style? Where people assume and believe what they want? Where is it said you are forced to live with a choice you made as a 19 year old kid, forever. I have avenged every single failure, with almost ultimate success, surpassing every goal, save one. The one that would not allow for second chances, the one that threw me away like garbage. The lifestyle I had was based around choices I made as a freshman in high school. I desired to follow the directives, trying to understand my father, and myself. I was never a child, until I became an adult. I was assulted in every way, not by my family, but those that truly did not understand how sick I was. I was born sick, I stayed sick due the issues that laid hidden around me. Shoot my own family blocks me from them, how evil am I? Why am I also so very lucky, and yet so destroyed everyday? I am grateful for a lot. I have true friends now, as I spend each night in morbid thoughts, and each day with a grateful spirit. To tell truth in this, I am bipolar, I don’t just have; how I live, think, and feel will run the gambit of everyday. I truly can not fathom a day of peace, in which I am fully content, happy, or sad. Peace is a hope and gift I will truly never fully have. I journey to find that which I no nothing about, for life starts to get on track, wham I am having yet another near death experience. Truth is my name is Weller, because that is all I will ever be Weller than before, or after. Never truly just Well. I state my hope in this one word- Peace and live by another Integrity. For I try to walk my talk, and talk my walk. My judgement is based on how well life will mesh with another, I will give up if we seem to not fit. Not how some looks, talks, feels, or otherwise. This is done so I can stop thinking about it all and sleep, not like many read it, but to those who do I hope our Similarities will bring us all closer, while our differences will expand our worlds! Live life to the fullest. It might surprise you.
Bruce