What Matters is you, those that allow me to see I am not alone

When i started this blog, what matter was opening the world to what is inside the head of a mental health client. It was to let everyone in on the similarities we all share. The problem we face are, that most people look at the differences of those around them.

I am in a great position to speak about both mental, and physical health, I have both. I have done a lot in my life. The truth of who i am, is not the journey, but the way i have overcome the obstacles that were put in front of me. I wanted to be accepted in the world, the reality is that i am. I am loved for my desire to be of service and help others. It was mental health, because it was what was dealing with at the time. It is the world i knew. The ups and downs were all about the mental health. Then it happened.

My world collapsed around me, while I fought on. See as my world collapsed, I still kept going, three little words availed me a way to fight. “NEVER TAP OUT!”

I ended up with an enlarged heart, and this began a very difficult period of my life. My 42nd birthday, I was told that I would either have to have a heart transplant, or i was done. I am 43 now, and my heart has gotten better. That two year mark has increased to a longer time frame.

This happened during my college days at the university i attended. The quarter I was supposed to graduate in, i had to miss due to this issue. I still went back after fighting to get some of my tuition so I could finish. I finished, and tried an online masters program. I was only able to complete one term, but i have a 4.0 there.

I decided to go back to work, and I did. The doctor’s are baffled by my drive to beat out my biggest challenge- me. I always thought this was a new way i did things, it isn’t. I have been figuring out ways to keep going forward my whole life. It isn’t life, without challenges. I can’t see myself from the outside, so how can I know that I am not like everyone else? I am not unique though, just a little different than the society’s version of the norm.

I look at the similarities of all people, we as a whole have similar feelings, different experiences, and issues. It why mental, and physical health reaches out to all kinds of people. The world is not about fairness, it is about getting up each time we fall down. I recently realized that this blog isn’t about me, it is about a person who doesn’t know how to quit. We all have that in us.

I am here to say that you are not alone, and we can conquer anything together. I need everyone that is in my life to show me the way. I hope i can help others in the same way. Learning that I was not alone was the greatest gift i have ever received. I am here to pay it forward.

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Damn ICD

     Lovely day in the neighborhood ‘pop’ goes the weasel – nah just my ICD.

     I guess it is good I am not testing for my second degree black belt this weekend. I now understand why I despise being different, ‘special’, or otherwise outside the social norm. 

      See they say my ICD is going off because i have this double receptor in my heart that is in only a few people 1-10 or some shit. They are going in to burn it out or some crap. Well my ICD has led me to love to feel the blast of the electricity- NOT! 

I was suppose to test this weekend, but last week- doctor pulled my note that I could. Pissed off I am. I was schedule to test last year when this shit started! 

So —How’s your morning? 

Life little lesson

Your world is yours, and yet we can forget how far we have come. In the last year I had to shorten my time away from home due to an enlarged heart with a hole in it. I started complaining of being on a half Life deal. I can only do half of the stuff I did last year. 

The funny thing is my half life now is twice the life I had eight years ago, when I was coming out of my agoraphobia. That lasted four plus years, depending on who you asked. My parents say ten plus years, me i say four, betting it was in between. 

Life changed so much eight years ago that spending more time at home because my heart is working at a mer 25- 27% is difficult. Yet this has not stopped me, it slowed me down yes, but stopped- no way. I am testing for my second degree black belt soon, and I already went back and finished my bachelors degree. 

Look I know I am repeating myself a lot, but when it is written, it is forever! This is why I write. I will be forever grateful to my family, for putting up with me. It is tough to be mentally, and physically disabled. Life is the process, and the process is the life! ✌🏻

My Story

   My past was difficult. I entered the Navy as an E3, and third generation to boot, it was my life to retire from the service. Then after “A” school, while on leave it happened. I flipped out. I asked for help from the military, and they deemed that all I wanted was to get out. That was untrue. I was left to my own devices and went down a bad path because of how I was treated. I ended up homeless for over two years, living in Norfolk VA, New Orleans LA, Warren OH, and Los Osos CA. I then tried getting sober at twenty two in Kent WA, for ten plus years I would accumulate one and half to two years while struggling what I found out to be Bipolar 2. Seven days after learning I was bipolar, I met my previous wife, after a doctor told me to get off my meds I tried taking my life, then three days later I awoke in hell 5150 in Los Angles Ca. My then wife gave me a plane ticket and told me to get out. Back to Kent I went separated from her for four years because she hated me that bad. All I did was listen to the doctor without tapering off my meds(didn’t know I needed to at the time). I then was forced onto social security and told I would never work again. I have been told I was below average intelligence in 2003, and again in 2011. I ended up dropping out of college in 2005. After a year of meeting my present wife I went into a agoraphobic for four years, giving up on life. I shot to three hundred ten pounds. My present wife ( girlfriend then) and I moved to Skagit county. Here is where life became life. 
     I had nothing to lose. Life was just not worth living. So I changed. I went to a place where I met this man who rubbed me the wrong way, and then saw him again, when I decided to go for a dream I have had since I was a child. He became my marital arts instructor and then my mentor, and finally the best man at my wedding, but that comes later. I started forcing myself to leave my house and go to martial arts, first taking the bus, then driving. My instructor got me taking him places due to the fact he was legally blind and couldn’t drive. I just took life in steps, the next step, class, and test, soon I was a red belt with a friend who went to classes all the time, we competed to see who would go to more classes, get there first, and leave latest. We never cared who was better, that didn’t matter. He ended not being able to continue after we entered the rank just one level till my dream of a black belt. I started teaching, and became interested in owning my own studio.

      I went back to school this time for Business Management, so I can run the business end.You should always be prepared to succeed and I certainly was not. I received my Black Belt June 23, 2014 and was awarded my ATA August 2014. Here is where it got good, some how I fell in love with school, I had a non transfer degree I was done right? No I was not. I was told about a program at Western Washington University, where I could transfer and achieve a Bachelor’s of Arts degree. I needed recommendations, and I had to interview to get in. I thought well that sucks, I could never do that. Well my wife said if they don’t let you in, don’t worry anymore about school, but you are going to put in 100 % into getting in. I did, though I blew off a scholarship for Phi Theta Kappa because I didn’t think it would happen. Well it did, I received my bachelor’s on June 10, 2017 and was accepted into a masters program on June 19, 2017.

     Now life isn’t perfect for me, I was suppose to test for my second degree black belt on October 2016, but my heart went bad. I was diagnosed with with C. H. F ( Congestive Heart Failure ). Well I am who I am, I am testing for my second degree black belt in October of this year. Am I ready? I don’t know, I do know this: January they said ( on my forty second birthday mind you) that I will need a heart transplant within two years. Ugh life’s over right? Heck no. I know someone will die either for me or I will, but that doesn’t mean I am done now. I just got done being in the top three for a job, no I didn’t get it, but I made it to the second interview, I am in a masters program, I help others, and I have people in my life who judge me, based on me, not on how I look, or my illnesses. I think outside the box, depression was an old friend I kick to the curb, and if I only have a year and a half—I will continue to follow the path that shows the most love. My name is Bruce Alan Weller Jr and I will never again hide what I have, for if you understand anything about us. We as a people with mental health issues, are smart, hard working, and work very hard on proving everyone wrong! I know I am not the only one to do it!

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓

Damn life is both a bitch and good.

     The truth of my life is I was given a time frame on its expiration, unless I get a transplant. The funny thing is I am not sick enough to be on the list. Here is my issue- shut your trap about the time frame. Damn sitting on the idea you are set to go by a certain date. Please -mess with people much? 

      Me I went back finished my BA, and enrolled in an MA program. Life is a journey I refuse to lose. Never Tap Out is who I am. Like me, hate me, means nothing to me. 

     The journey is the victory. The finish isn’t nothing but a place to begin the next journey. When someone tells you who you are, face them and say thanks, though how would you know? You fight my battles that go on in my head? No, then shut your damn mouth. I love people who have no clue as to what you face everyday, tell you how it’s going to get better, and to not worry! Bite me! My worse battle daily is getting up! 

✌🏻from your 🎓🥋

6-5-2017 The Finish of Dream Two

     The focus of life is not the finish, it is the process unto which our life roles. The finish is always overwhelming, but the next indicated step never is. In life the finish will come, as always in the time it is supposed too. So why focus on the finish? 
     Enjoy the process and one day you will look back and say “damn I really did that!” Completing not one but two dreams in my life isn’t amazing, it was how it happened. It wasn’t without hardship, and disappointments along the way, shoot I found out I need a heart transplant. That doesn’t even suck. 
      The truth is people believe me about having that illness. It is better than say the other major illnesses that i suffer from, see physically I just figure can’t do anything but work around it. Mental illness, I was told that it doesn’t exist for so long, that it makes me anxious to even to mention it. In fact though I talk about it a lot, that is only to help others, not myself. 
     I have believed I am a faker and excuse maker. For that was what people said, too me the truth is my hardest journey in life isn’t completing these major things, but getting out of bed! In 5 days I will do something I NEVER even imagined seeing as I had a .9 GPA in the first two years of high school, and actually had too be a sophomore for a year and a half. I took night classes as a senior to graduate on time to go into a military that threw me out like garbage they thought I was. 
     So how did I change all this too accomplished what I have? I focus on leaving the house first! Than I make it to each class, each test that follows, work on each fear as it comes, and the finish where I look back and say DAMN! I never thing I will finish until two days or so after I do. I realized I wasn’t as dumb as the three doctors that said I was until midway into my senior year at WWU. It was then I realized I just didn’t think like everyone else, and that was ok. 
     People just don’t get that they scare me the most, oh you can hit me, but to break me all you have to do is use words. I can take a hit physically, it’s the pain of those people without a heart ❤️ that hurts me. See I have Bipolar ADHD, PTSD that comes from lack of understandingn, and abuse that I endured because of these illnesses. So what the hell can a little heart issue do to me? Oh I can die from it, but I am now treated like a human being. Oh and a little secret for you all- it too is an unseen illness.. SURPRISE people are hypocrites! 😂 
    Well I am just going to enjoy life and follow my next dream of becoming a Kyo Sa ( Martial Arts Instructor). Almost there. Dream three, will not be stopped just because I love too much and it my heart too big for my body! 💔😂 the journey made me powerful enough to walk through my difficulties not the finish. ✌️