I know i am not the best writer on here. I tell my story as it comes. Yesterday was hell, but it was needed.
I dont get why people spend a lifetime with you, and just dont care to know you. I am an open book. I make major mistakes due to my illnesses and i try my hardest to clean them up.
This has been going on for 40+ years. I have referred to myself, that i was the planned mistake. They wanted a boy who was normal, they got a boy who was not. The truth is i think death would cleanse this world of a bumsickle, the has fought and fought to be normal.
That truth isn’t the real truth though, its a truth based on how life has flipped me all over. I was just about out of a mixed state, when a person who i didnt know was getting warnings, decided to set me off again.
The truth is i still dont know what the hell the person was talking about.
People- if your going to attack a person in a mixed cycle, at least bring proof, cause frankly it was in my illnesses and i have no clue. I apologize for feelings, but not stupid enough to apologize for an action i cant control. An apology means i will never do bbn it again.
I am Bipolar- i will screw up again, and if i keep expressing my feelings i will live through these tough times.
People keep telling me to stop apologizing. i can name several of my love ones that do it, its not that they dont care, nor that they are not educated. The problem is they just don’t pay attention to what is they say.
Talking to someone like me, is like being full P.C. all the time. You can’t. There is no way you wont try to get me up and going while i am in a bad state, with all the wrong sayings, that actually motivates others. You are witnessing someone you love collapsing in front of you. You want to fix it. You can’t.
Here’s the problem, it won’t fix me right then. Time will give me back to the world. And i will apologize for being sick a hundred times. It’s part of the sickness. My world can be a selfish one. I don’t like, or want it to be selfish, i just dont know how to get up and do what people want me to do some days.
The good news is that i am bipolar, which means that i will bounce back from it. The problem, is not the issue; the issue is the patients of my love ones. I am a fighter, i have accomplished many things that the doctor’s said i couldn’t do. Relax into the knowledge that it will happen.
I recently just started painting, why because i can. No other reason. See my limits are my own brain, while on the down side, i can not find the strength to get out of bed, maybe i am saving it, for when i do get out of bed and accomplish those amazing things.
All my issues can be described in one word– Bipolar
I sit here and know that life is a battle of getting through hardships. I was just about to get off of social security when the latest battle began. It is my hardest battle, this battle is one that I truly struggle to show my positive self. Here is the crunch of the problem, I find it to be the most learning experience of my life. I might never work, people might or might not believe in me. The idea of life is the ongoing battle of focusing on your next indicated step. I am fighting to go back to school, I have lost martial arts for the time being, so I am now settling into writing. The understanding that life with throw you curves, it is what you do with the pitch that matters. I choose to swing hard and hit it, or strike out trying to hit it. Life is not a failure if you try, life is a failure if you don’t. I have begun writing books, will they get published? Probably not. Do I care? No. This is about finding the person that will bring forth the truth of who I am, and why I am still here. I am no one special, just a guy who believes in never quitting, and never giving up on himself. I focus on my issues, I never try and break another’s trust. Integrity is not just a word to me- IT is a life choice. A way of being, a focus on the 7 P’s- prior, proper, planning, prevents, piss, poor,performance. Finding and developing a structure of creating my imagination. I create, but creation is never enough without evolving the characters of what is needed. As in life it is all about evolving from the limits of who we are. I have more limits now due to my heart, does it stop me? No. I have been limited due to mental health, does that stop me? No. Truth is, it might slow me down, it might change my path, but in the end it will never bring me down. I choose to fight, it might mean re-evaluating what I can do, but I am never finish until I am no longer here. Belief in self, you are your best friend, or your worse enemy, the choice is yours.