What Matters is you, those that allow me to see I am not alone

When i started this blog, what matter was opening the world to what is inside the head of a mental health client. It was to let everyone in on the similarities we all share. The problem we face are, that most people look at the differences of those around them.

I am in a great position to speak about both mental, and physical health, I have both. I have done a lot in my life. The truth of who i am, is not the journey, but the way i have overcome the obstacles that were put in front of me. I wanted to be accepted in the world, the reality is that i am. I am loved for my desire to be of service and help others. It was mental health, because it was what was dealing with at the time. It is the world i knew. The ups and downs were all about the mental health. Then it happened.

My world collapsed around me, while I fought on. See as my world collapsed, I still kept going, three little words availed me a way to fight. “NEVER TAP OUT!”

I ended up with an enlarged heart, and this began a very difficult period of my life. My 42nd birthday, I was told that I would either have to have a heart transplant, or i was done. I am 43 now, and my heart has gotten better. That two year mark has increased to a longer time frame.

This happened during my college days at the university i attended. The quarter I was supposed to graduate in, i had to miss due to this issue. I still went back after fighting to get some of my tuition so I could finish. I finished, and tried an online masters program. I was only able to complete one term, but i have a 4.0 there.

I decided to go back to work, and I did. The doctor’s are baffled by my drive to beat out my biggest challenge- me. I always thought this was a new way i did things, it isn’t. I have been figuring out ways to keep going forward my whole life. It isn’t life, without challenges. I can’t see myself from the outside, so how can I know that I am not like everyone else? I am not unique though, just a little different than the society’s version of the norm.

I look at the similarities of all people, we as a whole have similar feelings, different experiences, and issues. It why mental, and physical health reaches out to all kinds of people. The world is not about fairness, it is about getting up each time we fall down. I recently realized that this blog isn’t about me, it is about a person who doesn’t know how to quit. We all have that in us.

I am here to say that you are not alone, and we can conquer anything together. I need everyone that is in my life to show me the way. I hope i can help others in the same way. Learning that I was not alone was the greatest gift i have ever received. I am here to pay it forward.

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I am a fighter are you?

Life is a journey that has led me down a steep and crazy path. I have not written for a while, due to the fact that my heart started to get better, that better is 27% means that i was sleeping and working, and that was all i was doing in the last few months.

Yes after fifteen long and trying years on social security for mental illness, i went back to work for over three months. It might not seem like much, but if my heart wasn’t damaged i would still be working. Which to me, is a clear cut win and victory for my fight with mental health issues.

See my ICD went off three times one after the other in a matter of six to ten minutes. It had gone of previously two other times in two different months, and they were months apart. So after it went off twice in six month, it went off three times in less than ten minutes. This was scary, and my wife asked me to quit my job.

It was difficult because i found a job that fit me. I helped people with disabilities like myself. Now unemployed again, and trying not to whine. I was so close this time. My world was coming together finally. The three shocks really scared me as well, i thought that the 911 call, due to the fact i was standing through shock one and two, and dropped for the third one on purpose, due to the fact that the shocks were not stopping, was going to be the call for them to pick up my body.

Living with mental health is bad enough, adding this physical issue, now that’s what makes my life crazy! The idea that i have five unseen issues; really and truly sucks. Though the world only truly acts like it cares about the one issue.

They said i couldn’t read, so i ended up reading for fun, they said i was two stupid to to make through college, so i got my bachelor’s degree,they said i was going to die in two years unless i got a heart transplant, so i went back to work and got better.

I am still fighting, and i will win the overall war, because i do what they say i can’t. I have lost the little battles. I will continue to lose some battles, but the war is won, because i choose to fight in it. I get up each day and i fight. The hardest thing i do these days is get out of bed. You know after three shocks and two more days in the hospital, they still had to convince me to stop working.

I am a fighter are you?

Soo Bahk!

I  enjoy what i can do in SBD! Learning and a little bit of teaching is what i enjoy! SBD is my family – if they like me or not. I might be the bratty brother of the group, but i will never quit, and i will enjoy it to my last breath. 

If that breath is tomorrow, or 60 years from now. Though according to most medical advice, my life will not be as long as i would like. 

Another heart procedure in 3 days! After that i start preparing for EDan again. Third times the charm. No i never failed the test. Just keep being pulled from it, a few weeks before it. Two years in a row, i had reservations at the hotel for the test, and doctors orders preventing me from making the test. ( well my ‘heart’ actually wasn’t in it!😂) 
ENJOY LIFE! BE FREE OF THE CONCEPT OF WHAT YOU DESERVE! For the end game is life isn’t a guarantee. I will die as i lived fast and furious. Waiting around for it does not do me any good. 

Maybe it will extend my life, or not. I believe the path is set, i am just here to run it. The decision is not mine to make. Those who know my past, and what it takes for me to get out of bed, know that i spent years waiting to die before SBD. 

Now i live because of it. I will never be a person that is looked at as important, nor skilled at it. I doubt i will ever test again after EDAN, but i will finish what i started and test for Kyo Sa. To do that -Edan is important. 

My world won’t stop. I will try to continue on to other ranks. That has never been important to me. EDAN isn’t important to me, what is important is helping people like myself who this world has thrown away, to find their path as i have through SBD. 

My biggest gain wasn’t physical, nor was it the degrees i obtained due to finding myself. It was family, and it was belonging. It was being accepted, even when that felt alien to me (actually still does). I talk to much, i act differently, i desire to be socially normal. When someone says i am different, even in a good way- i despise it. 

Fitting in- has never been my deal. Always was an outcast among outcast. SBD is a place that i feel like less of an outcast! ✌🏻 and Soo Bahk!!

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

Strength of ‘Heart’

     Truth of life is, sometimes one issue will stay  invisible, but some issues will never be invisible. The way to stay strong is to focus on not making it invisible to yourself, but walk as it is invisible to others. 

    During the worst times, get up and do what is needed anyways, because the feeling upon completion is great. Trueness of self, is beating the odds you set against oneself. When you feel different, enjoy it. The truth is we really do not know when the end will be here. 

     Now my strength isn’t mine, I have a woman who gives me hers daily. I am facing heart surgery in less then a month for invisible illness number four or five. This one is physical, though I do have a scar I can show people. 

     I feel the urge to scream loud and clear- to hell with with being special, can I just be normal? See the doctor says I am one of a few special people with multiple receptors in my heart that is no big, unless you have heart issues. Now it helps set off my ICD when it truly is not a life threatening problem. 

     This causes me a lot of pain of course, I mean get knocked to the four after being hit by what feels like a horse sucks. My left side hurts for hours after. So it might be damaging down the road.

     Now for those that think mental health isn’t a real deal bite me. This heart issue came thirty years sooner then it should have because of a medication I was given that actually helped me better my life. Now they found a better medication so my life is still good, but now I might only have twenty years life to enjoy it. 

     Medication is a double edged sword for me. It gave me life, and it shorted it as well. I will continue to take my meds as prescribed by my doctors, but I wish the doctors would do a little more research into what could happen with these meds. 

     See I fought this doc for over a year on going past a certain point, finally I relented an I paid the price. If I wouldn’t have relented it would not have sped up my heart issue. The problem was, I still had issues that taking a higher dose could help. 

    The doctor should of thought of another med instead of going to a very dangerous level on that med. oh he feels bad, but not nearly as bad as I do when I get that oh ‘POP’ goes the weasel from the ICD in my chest. 

     We are always in control of our recovery. Though the doctor increased the dose. It was my fault in relenting. I am ok with this. This is to let others know, it is ok to ask your doctor, when you feel uncomfortable about a med, for a change. 

     Mental health is just as, if not more important then physical health. Live and learn when you can save your own life. 

Life little lesson

Your world is yours, and yet we can forget how far we have come. In the last year I had to shorten my time away from home due to an enlarged heart with a hole in it. I started complaining of being on a half Life deal. I can only do half of the stuff I did last year. 

The funny thing is my half life now is twice the life I had eight years ago, when I was coming out of my agoraphobia. That lasted four plus years, depending on who you asked. My parents say ten plus years, me i say four, betting it was in between. 

Life changed so much eight years ago that spending more time at home because my heart is working at a mer 25- 27% is difficult. Yet this has not stopped me, it slowed me down yes, but stopped- no way. I am testing for my second degree black belt soon, and I already went back and finished my bachelors degree. 

Look I know I am repeating myself a lot, but when it is written, it is forever! This is why I write. I will be forever grateful to my family, for putting up with me. It is tough to be mentally, and physically disabled. Life is the process, and the process is the life! ✌🏻