Truth

So it seems that telling what i have done in life is upsetting to people. A few people have said that it isn’t relevant to life, well i am not bragging, but trying to show that we can overcome anything. No matter what.

I guess that doesn’t matter. Whatever. The message is heard correctly in one part of my life, and not in the other. Well to those that find me a selfish bastard, thats you. I am just trying to use this life to help others.

If you all think i am so arrogant. Let me tell you want i see and feel. I am a non working person, whose illnesses make them have to rely on others to survive. That is what i see.

That is not the truth of who i am, but it is who i see when i look in the mirror. The truth is between the two i guess. I have been told i brag, i am not humble, my message isnt alcoholic enough, and that people say i dont care what anyone else says.

Well the truth is, i dont care about the good things people say, or i do in life. Life isn’t about about that, it is about overcoming the bad to do the good things in life.

My journey isn’t any harder than anyone else’s. Yeah i have mental health issues, and a bum heart where the doctor’s gave me an awesome message of a lack of a future.

I still have found an awesome wife, and her family loves me. The support is beyond anything i could imagine. I am asked to talk at the local level of NAMI (National Alliance for Mental illness) on more then one occasion.

This isn’t about what I have done in life, this is what i am trying to give back. The doctor’s gave me 2 years unless i get a heart transplant, 1 year 4 months ago, yes i might survive, but i got better, not fully. I have found myself nearly being shocked to death, because i will not just sit back and wait to die.

When it shocked me 3 times in 6 minutes, i didn’t think it was going to stop shocking me. It is very scary, but i am still here trying to help others and fighting hard. Last time they checked my heart, it improved from 19% to 27%, yes i am functioning at 27% of my heart. A lot less than half of a full functioning heart.

I still feel blessed and happy in my life. I just want to help as many people as i can before the end. I might live for a minute, or 20+years. When you are told that you will not live long, and at middle age, your actually old, for at 43 there is really more of a chance that 86 will not be in your future, the world changes in how you approach life.

I live to help others, always have. Now i just have a shorter time to do it.

Hating the Carbon Copy Jr syndrome.

I am compared with other people way to much, to the extent i fully believe my own family doesn’t know me. They dont. Let me tell you not even my own head rules me. If i fear it, get beaten by it, or you like, or dont like me. NOTHING stops me from running through it.

I might project a lot. I once tried even being me, now i am. I might be like others. But no one will be told they are like me. What I am saying; now that i know i am insane, I no longer insane! 🤣😂😅🤔😎

I dont let my head rule me anymore. If people truly understood what i think- well i glad they dont. I like this statement, i might not make sense, i really do not have too.

The thing that used to ruled me, was feeling like i was a carbon copy. You are just like so and so. Now i am not. I get to remind myself of this when a person says i am like another, for a reason of assumption. The truth of life is what rules us. I am different, and no one cares what is truly the thing that destroys them the most. I look and have similarities to certain people. I AM NOT THEM.

Thats what destroyed me for years, till i realized, why would anyone care to know just a carbon copy. So i became truly COLORFUL. Thus i made a family who saw me. Thus i might opinionated, but it is truly known i have different opinions. The hurt isnt gone, how i react is. Thus the point.

The funny part of this is that those people who have spent a lifetime comparing me, are getting mad because i compare myself to the same people. Seriously i am the crazed one?

Ugh C.H.F

     Here is the thing with people, you will all probably ignore this as well. When someone try’s to to talk out an issue, we tap them on the head, or ignore what they are truly saying so we do not have to deal with it ourselves. I have tried to laugh out stuff that was dangerous before, and it nearly destroyed me. Most people want to shrug off my C.H.F. As no big deal, just those that go to the doctors with me don’t. Wonder why that is? 

     Oh because it is a big deal. I hope I do live life and get a transplant. If they change there mind that is and realize working with 25% of a heart is dangerous. I had a nice ambulance ride Thursday because my left arm went completely numb. They wanted to keep me overnight, but it isn’t dangerous right. 

    Here is the thing, I am a fighter, but no one is around to see the hits I am taking now. I am looking for work when I really should not be, why because my bills are piling up, and one of the things I always wanted to do is work! Before I go. 

     So yes I am taking this very seriously. I am actually doing my bucket list. It’s cool, I am not living for others anymore- well I will always live for my wife. Thanks everyone for listening to a man that just keeps stepping up when things keep trying to knock me down. 

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓

I wrote this to my family, it speaks of my journey.

I truly never feel a part of anything. Family or otherwise, it is the fact I hate myself pretty hard. It is never the other, it is me. Upon earning my Cho Dan ( black belt) I tried to give it back. I never feel I earn things. Phi theta Kappa only gave me a position because of this or that. I got a 3.7 only because I took easy classes. I achieved ATA and four certificates only because I knew the loop holes. I am getting my bachelors degree because of luck, and manipulation. This is how I think. I was looking at Phoenix university’s MBA program. I am thinking well luck got me this far, I think I can’t do it. So I do what I always do. I just don’t think it though, I called and got information on it. I had two doctors tell me I am stupid, average at best, no chance at obtaining a degree for administration assistant, so I now will have one one running the whole business instead. Seems that was supposed to be harder. Must be luck. Believe me I am not joking. This is literally how I think and feel. I hurt my family, because of my illness. I have people harping on me for what is my illness. I don’t know if this will change ever. I just know I try and become better than I was yesterday. Thank you all for accepting me. I know how hard it is for people to like, and love a person with the issues I live with. How bad it is for my family, it is worst in my head. Love you all.