I am a fighter are you?

Life is a journey that has led me down a steep and crazy path. I have not written for a while, due to the fact that my heart started to get better, that better is 27% means that i was sleeping and working, and that was all i was doing in the last few months.

Yes after fifteen long and trying years on social security for mental illness, i went back to work for over three months. It might not seem like much, but if my heart wasn’t damaged i would still be working. Which to me, is a clear cut win and victory for my fight with mental health issues.

See my ICD went off three times one after the other in a matter of six to ten minutes. It had gone of previously two other times in two different months, and they were months apart. So after it went off twice in six month, it went off three times in less than ten minutes. This was scary, and my wife asked me to quit my job.

It was difficult because i found a job that fit me. I helped people with disabilities like myself. Now unemployed again, and trying not to whine. I was so close this time. My world was coming together finally. The three shocks really scared me as well, i thought that the 911 call, due to the fact i was standing through shock one and two, and dropped for the third one on purpose, due to the fact that the shocks were not stopping, was going to be the call for them to pick up my body.

Living with mental health is bad enough, adding this physical issue, now that’s what makes my life crazy! The idea that i have five unseen issues; really and truly sucks. Though the world only truly acts like it cares about the one issue.

They said i couldn’t read, so i ended up reading for fun, they said i was two stupid to to make through college, so i got my bachelor’s degree,they said i was going to die in two years unless i got a heart transplant, so i went back to work and got better.

I am still fighting, and i will win the overall war, because i do what they say i can’t. I have lost the little battles. I will continue to lose some battles, but the war is won, because i choose to fight in it. I get up each day and i fight. The hardest thing i do these days is get out of bed. You know after three shocks and two more days in the hospital, they still had to convince me to stop working.

I am a fighter are you?


     So check this, weather is a changing, life is a sucking! I am flipping out while I am switching to my friend depression. I am a walking along when I realize that depression was here again. “hello my friend, I thought I threw your ass out.” 

     “you did bro, but I came back, as I always do!” Says depression- “we’re partners in life, it is what it is, with bipolar and now with your heart. For your heart isn’t the only damaged part of you, ask anyone. You’re broken as always,  now and forever!” 

     “Thank you my friend, I should have know, because I have lost everything, I figured it was weird I was happy.” I can never be happy for that is not my lot in life, I make others happy. Miranda, my mother, my nieces, my sister, my in laws – these are the people I need to make happy, for me it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. 

      I have a short time here, or someone dies for me, either way it will suck for me. I know they would have died anyways. Hell, it still will suck! Ugh when my life was easier, oh yeah it never was, my life has always felt off! 

      At least now I know this is just the change in seasons that’s coming! And it will pass, but it will be hell till it does! and I am use to hell! It has been awhile since I have walked a path of turmoil, but I have lived through hellish times before. I just need to make it through spring quarter! The truth is I need to accept and become, as I have with everything that has come my way. 

     Allow the journey to become my teacher, and realish in the fact that for me, the game might be coming to an end. I will never quit while I am upon this earth, I will strive to finish what life has allowed me to start. The process of what I have become, is why no matter what happens I will carry on. 

     I am thinking of forsaking my series until after my heart transplant, and beginning something for my wife. I want to put my life on paper, to write who I am, and how I became the man she loves. A way to say thank you, and goodbye if that be the case.

     I won’t announce it till it is done. This is what came to my heart tonight, a thing I was very hesitant to do. I would rather live it over, than continue to live with out energy, and not get anything done. I can write, it is all I can do!