Mixed state ( Deadly thoughts to mania and back) the fun times.

I talk to live, but i dont live to talk.

I have been open about the pain in my head, and the desire to want to die.

Most people do not even realizes how serious i am about my situation. I am actually lucky my family doesn’t check up on me, and the seemed bothered by me. Makes hiding easier.

My psychiatrist said i am in crisis, i have met with my therapist once, but we talked again, with another appointment a week from the first.

The professionals know theres a problem, everyone else besides the few, dont know because they won’t check. Good.

No one noticed that i am no longer a mental health advocate, due to a problem of broken trust. Another story that will never be told.

Truth is i am glad no one thinks i am still sick. Except my wife and her family. I am alone, though my wife is here, but i just seem to feel alone.

My Story

   My past was difficult. I entered the Navy as an E3, and third generation to boot, it was my life to retire from the service. Then after “A” school, while on leave it happened. I flipped out. I asked for help from the military, and they deemed that all I wanted was to get out. That was untrue. I was left to my own devices and went down a bad path because of how I was treated. I ended up homeless for over two years, living in Norfolk VA, New Orleans LA, Warren OH, and Los Osos CA. I then tried getting sober at twenty two in Kent WA, for ten plus years I would accumulate one and half to two years while struggling what I found out to be Bipolar 2. Seven days after learning I was bipolar, I met my previous wife, after a doctor told me to get off my meds I tried taking my life, then three days later I awoke in hell 5150 in Los Angles Ca. My then wife gave me a plane ticket and told me to get out. Back to Kent I went separated from her for four years because she hated me that bad. All I did was listen to the doctor without tapering off my meds(didn’t know I needed to at the time). I then was forced onto social security and told I would never work again. I have been told I was below average intelligence in 2003, and again in 2011. I ended up dropping out of college in 2005. After a year of meeting my present wife I went into a agoraphobic for four years, giving up on life. I shot to three hundred ten pounds. My present wife ( girlfriend then) and I moved to Skagit county. Here is where life became life. 
     I had nothing to lose. Life was just not worth living. So I changed. I went to a place where I met this man who rubbed me the wrong way, and then saw him again, when I decided to go for a dream I have had since I was a child. He became my marital arts instructor and then my mentor, and finally the best man at my wedding, but that comes later. I started forcing myself to leave my house and go to martial arts, first taking the bus, then driving. My instructor got me taking him places due to the fact he was legally blind and couldn’t drive. I just took life in steps, the next step, class, and test, soon I was a red belt with a friend who went to classes all the time, we competed to see who would go to more classes, get there first, and leave latest. We never cared who was better, that didn’t matter. He ended not being able to continue after we entered the rank just one level till my dream of a black belt. I started teaching, and became interested in owning my own studio.

      I went back to school this time for Business Management, so I can run the business end.You should always be prepared to succeed and I certainly was not. I received my Black Belt June 23, 2014 and was awarded my ATA August 2014. Here is where it got good, some how I fell in love with school, I had a non transfer degree I was done right? No I was not. I was told about a program at Western Washington University, where I could transfer and achieve a Bachelor’s of Arts degree. I needed recommendations, and I had to interview to get in. I thought well that sucks, I could never do that. Well my wife said if they don’t let you in, don’t worry anymore about school, but you are going to put in 100 % into getting in. I did, though I blew off a scholarship for Phi Theta Kappa because I didn’t think it would happen. Well it did, I received my bachelor’s on June 10, 2017 and was accepted into a masters program on June 19, 2017.

     Now life isn’t perfect for me, I was suppose to test for my second degree black belt on October 2016, but my heart went bad. I was diagnosed with with C. H. F ( Congestive Heart Failure ). Well I am who I am, I am testing for my second degree black belt in October of this year. Am I ready? I don’t know, I do know this: January they said ( on my forty second birthday mind you) that I will need a heart transplant within two years. Ugh life’s over right? Heck no. I know someone will die either for me or I will, but that doesn’t mean I am done now. I just got done being in the top three for a job, no I didn’t get it, but I made it to the second interview, I am in a masters program, I help others, and I have people in my life who judge me, based on me, not on how I look, or my illnesses. I think outside the box, depression was an old friend I kick to the curb, and if I only have a year and a half—I will continue to follow the path that shows the most love. My name is Bruce Alan Weller Jr and I will never again hide what I have, for if you understand anything about us. We as a people with mental health issues, are smart, hard working, and work very hard on proving everyone wrong! I know I am not the only one to do it!

Fighting on

The very idea of quit is nothing I find approachable, I am bothered by the one blemish on my record. The issue is in everything I was given a second chance in, I far exceeded expectations. This one area bothers me, for the damage I have done to myself over the years,started there. They believe, making a 19 year old kid homeless is ok. Saying a person who was on, not one, but three suicide watches was stable to ask for a representative in a trial. Seems to me, to be utter bull. I was a college dropout, I am about to get my bachelor’s degree, I quit martial arts at 15 due to fear of myself, I was about to test for my second degree black belt when I came down with Congestive Heart Failure. Watch out doing meth as a young person, I am paying the price 20 years later, and I only did it to work, see I suffer from ADHD, Bipolar, and PTSD. It allowed me to be socially normal, I used for one and a half years. I am 41 and wearing a defibrillator, awaiting them to figure out when they’re going to place a pacemaker in me. Should I quit? Not a chance, I will be teaching martial arts again soon. I will be volunteering with NAMI as well. I owe no one an explanation of the illnesses I deal with, I just owe myself forgiveness. I did not fail, my younger self, did not fail, I made a bad decision based on their treatment of me. Journeys are as a wave goes, up and down, my wave started with a splash,  life was sink or swim, see I am one thing that I know for sure- Survivor! Live for others, and understand this, the more you give, the more you get! Peace friends