Tag: never quitting on me

Truth

So it seems that telling what i have done in life is upsetting to people. A few people have said that it isn’t relevant to life, well i am not bragging, but trying to show that we can overcome anything. No matter what.

I guess that doesn’t matter. Whatever. The message is heard correctly in one part of my life, and not in the other. Well to those that find me a selfish bastard, thats you. I am just trying to use this life to help others.

If you all think i am so arrogant. Let me tell you want i see and feel. I am a non working person, whose illnesses make them have to rely on others to survive. That is what i see.

That is not the truth of who i am, but it is who i see when i look in the mirror. The truth is between the two i guess. I have been told i brag, i am not humble, my message isnt alcoholic enough, and that people say i dont care what anyone else says.

Well the truth is, i dont care about the good things people say, or i do in life. Life isn’t about about that, it is about overcoming the bad to do the good things in life.

My journey isn’t any harder than anyone else’s. Yeah i have mental health issues, and a bum heart where the doctor’s gave me an awesome message of a lack of a future.

I still have found an awesome wife, and her family loves me. The support is beyond anything i could imagine. I am asked to talk at the local level of NAMI (National Alliance for Mental illness) on more then one occasion.

This isn’t about what I have done in life, this is what i am trying to give back. The doctor’s gave me 2 years unless i get a heart transplant, 1 year 4 months ago, yes i might survive, but i got better, not fully. I have found myself nearly being shocked to death, because i will not just sit back and wait to die.

When it shocked me 3 times in 6 minutes, i didn’t think it was going to stop shocking me. It is very scary, but i am still here trying to help others and fighting hard. Last time they checked my heart, it improved from 19% to 27%, yes i am functioning at 27% of my heart. A lot less than half of a full functioning heart.

I still feel blessed and happy in my life. I just want to help as many people as i can before the end. I might live for a minute, or 20+years. When you are told that you will not live long, and at middle age, your actually old, for at 43 there is really more of a chance that 86 will not be in your future, the world changes in how you approach life.

I live to help others, always have. Now i just have a shorter time to do it.

Ugh C.H.F

     Here is the thing with people, you will all probably ignore this as well. When someone try’s to to talk out an issue, we tap them on the head, or ignore what they are truly saying so we do not have to deal with it ourselves. I have tried to laugh out stuff that was dangerous before, and it nearly destroyed me. Most people want to shrug off my C.H.F. As no big deal, just those that go to the doctors with me don’t. Wonder why that is? 

     Oh because it is a big deal. I hope I do live life and get a transplant. If they change there mind that is and realize working with 25% of a heart is dangerous. I had a nice ambulance ride Thursday because my left arm went completely numb. They wanted to keep me overnight, but it isn’t dangerous right. 

    Here is the thing, I am a fighter, but no one is around to see the hits I am taking now. I am looking for work when I really should not be, why because my bills are piling up, and one of the things I always wanted to do is work! Before I go. 

     So yes I am taking this very seriously. I am actually doing my bucket list. It’s cool, I am not living for others anymore- well I will always live for my wife. Thanks everyone for listening to a man that just keeps stepping up when things keep trying to knock me down. 

Life is desirable, even when one doesn’t believe he wants it.

I sit upon my bed, trying very hard to get up. I can’t feel my ability to do it. I am struggling mightily in the grips of my mental health. I believe no one cares, luckily in my case I am wrong. Though I will reach out when others are in need, I will never truly tell people the exact nature of my pain, I have been taught I should leave it alone in life. My inner pain will never be seen, even if I show you. For those like me are told we are nothing, we are told our pain is not real, suck it up kid, stop being a baby. I will let you know this, a tough SOB will cry, will become emotional, and above all I will tell you now that I feel my mental abilities are at a place, where I physically find myself very weak, is it just in my head. Of course it is. The head is where the physical is developed, dealt with and the head runs the body, how would you not think a depression can cause someone to become physically unable to get up? The tough ones like me. We get up anyways, we fight the paralysis of our bodies, we force ourselves to move. We don’t drink over it, we don’t cry over it, we damn well do it anyways. This is who I am. I never tap out. When it comes to my life. Those who love me, they don’t always get the struggle I have when dealing with my mental health. Man half of them don’t care. It is a disgrace to talk about the weak, well I am not talking about the weak. I am talking about the strong! Those with mental health issues, deal with physical aspects, dealt by our mental condition. To get up for me, literally is pain intensified. It is not made up, I am not faking. I hurt, I get up anyways. I do what is needed. I find hope when I can. I truly never, ever give in to my own thoughts of hell. For me what I think about myself, is none of my damn business, for you see, I was taught to hate me. How can I not? We don’t discuss our issues. Well damn it, if I don’t I die. It is that simple, I want to die right now. Will I, of course not. I will enjoy the pain, and anguish till it leaves, I will then get up, and be right again, it will pass. Even I get up and leave right now, you won’t know the pain in my heart, because I trust only a few. You want my truth? The truth of my pain? You can’t handle it. Unless you have walked in the shoes of those who suffer from the unseen, you truly can not know the hardship we go though, doing the simple things. I hope you never have to. No matter what you have to do, never quit on life. Focus on the best things in your life, and work around the pain.
Bruce- Kung Fu Panda. 

My father in-law, called me that as a 310 pound orange belt. I am now a 256 pound black belt. My biggest fight, and workout is not training in martial arts, it is getting up everyday, and working on being better than yesterday, and trying to make other people days better than my own.