Tag: not giving up

Keep getting up, we are not as bad as we think we are.

I wish i can say this is my last post. Unfortunately this is how i live, behind the curtain.

If you truly knew me… i truly hate myself, but i know part of it is my illnesses. If you think you do not understand, try living with them.

I wish i can say i am done with recovery, unfortunately that is where my life is similar and not as bad as most.

I wish i was done with NAMI, but i am actually accepted as me.

I never want to leave martial arts, it allows me the discipline to fully hide myself and be accepted based on my abilities, not who i am outside the art. Oh if they only knew me, would i be accepted? Doubtful, though with my honesty they pretty much do. For some are watching now.

I would never let them in, had i known i might have a chance to go back. I do have a chance. Life isn’t perfect.

I am a Veteran they tell me for i served over a year and due to something that happens based on mental health was asked out of my service.

I am a college dropout.

I am a black belt, i went back to college ten years later to achieve my bachelor’s, and i have eight and half years sober.

I fight this mental health crap every day of my life. Who am I, I am nobody. Just someone who wants to be better than they were yesterday. I fail once every three daysor so. Should i stop fighting?

No.

Will I irritate, and hurt most of my love ones, unfortunately yes.

Will it hurt me more, don’t know about more, but it destroys me each time.

They said friends comes and go, but family stays forever. Well not in my case. Everyone comes and goes. Some family goes, some friends goes. Some friends stays, some family stays.

When your head does not work right, people leave you, that is your lot in life.

Just keep fighting. Some day I hope I am forgiven for being broken and still trying to be better.

The life lesson is this, life is the ups and downs, our choices are either fight or flight.

I guess my father was right all along, i am a violent S.O.B. it’s just that my violence has never been about hurting people purposefully, it’s always been about fighting the inside of my head.

Soo Bahk!

I  enjoy what i can do in SBD! Learning and a little bit of teaching is what i enjoy! SBD is my family – if they like me or not. I might be the bratty brother of the group, but i will never quit, and i will enjoy it to my last breath. 

If that breath is tomorrow, or 60 years from now. Though according to most medical advice, my life will not be as long as i would like. 

Another heart procedure in 3 days! After that i start preparing for EDan again. Third times the charm. No i never failed the test. Just keep being pulled from it, a few weeks before it. Two years in a row, i had reservations at the hotel for the test, and doctors orders preventing me from making the test. ( well my ‘heart’ actually wasn’t in it!😂) 
ENJOY LIFE! BE FREE OF THE CONCEPT OF WHAT YOU DESERVE! For the end game is life isn’t a guarantee. I will die as i lived fast and furious. Waiting around for it does not do me any good. 

Maybe it will extend my life, or not. I believe the path is set, i am just here to run it. The decision is not mine to make. Those who know my past, and what it takes for me to get out of bed, know that i spent years waiting to die before SBD. 

Now i live because of it. I will never be a person that is looked at as important, nor skilled at it. I doubt i will ever test again after EDAN, but i will finish what i started and test for Kyo Sa. To do that -Edan is important. 

My world won’t stop. I will try to continue on to other ranks. That has never been important to me. EDAN isn’t important to me, what is important is helping people like myself who this world has thrown away, to find their path as i have through SBD. 

My biggest gain wasn’t physical, nor was it the degrees i obtained due to finding myself. It was family, and it was belonging. It was being accepted, even when that felt alien to me (actually still does). I talk to much, i act differently, i desire to be socially normal. When someone says i am different, even in a good way- i despise it. 

Fitting in- has never been my deal. Always was an outcast among outcast. SBD is a place that i feel like less of an outcast! ✌🏻 and Soo Bahk!!

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

What I learned 10-26-17

Life isn’t about what you can do, it is what is presentable. This blog has twenty one followers. This is because I sometimes just write to write, and I can not write everyday. The truth is, this blog is meant to show how a mental Health client thinks.

Now here is the problem, I do not always see what I think or do, until later. I certainly am not always in shape to write. I fit into a lot of places, but I also fit no where. I learned today I will end my attempts at finding work. I have worked so hard to come up short. People life sucks for us all. I justed wanted a job. Now I will find a path that will lead me somewhere. Writing is a blast. 

I know people visit and some like, and others move on. I really don’t know who I am. Shoot with my enlarged heart pumping at 27% I don’t know if I will have long enough to even ponder these questions. I love to venture into this. Now am I good enough is the question? I do not think many care, for we all search are own worlds for lifes little understandings. 

What is it I want from this world? Who will care when I go? Does it even matter? My journey has always been overcoming the odds. Now what? I don’t think that I am to much a lost to the work force. Can I make a difference with my writing? here is to trying.

My Story

   My past was difficult. I entered the Navy as an E3, and third generation to boot, it was my life to retire from the service. Then after “A” school, while on leave it happened. I flipped out. I asked for help from the military, and they deemed that all I wanted was to get out. That was untrue. I was left to my own devices and went down a bad path because of how I was treated. I ended up homeless for over two years, living in Norfolk VA, New Orleans LA, Warren OH, and Los Osos CA. I then tried getting sober at twenty two in Kent WA, for ten plus years I would accumulate one and half to two years while struggling what I found out to be Bipolar 2. Seven days after learning I was bipolar, I met my previous wife, after a doctor told me to get off my meds I tried taking my life, then three days later I awoke in hell 5150 in Los Angles Ca. My then wife gave me a plane ticket and told me to get out. Back to Kent I went separated from her for four years because she hated me that bad. All I did was listen to the doctor without tapering off my meds(didn’t know I needed to at the time). I then was forced onto social security and told I would never work again. I have been told I was below average intelligence in 2003, and again in 2011. I ended up dropping out of college in 2005. After a year of meeting my present wife I went into a agoraphobic for four years, giving up on life. I shot to three hundred ten pounds. My present wife ( girlfriend then) and I moved to Skagit county. Here is where life became life. 
     I had nothing to lose. Life was just not worth living. So I changed. I went to a place where I met this man who rubbed me the wrong way, and then saw him again, when I decided to go for a dream I have had since I was a child. He became my marital arts instructor and then my mentor, and finally the best man at my wedding, but that comes later. I started forcing myself to leave my house and go to martial arts, first taking the bus, then driving. My instructor got me taking him places due to the fact he was legally blind and couldn’t drive. I just took life in steps, the next step, class, and test, soon I was a red belt with a friend who went to classes all the time, we competed to see who would go to more classes, get there first, and leave latest. We never cared who was better, that didn’t matter. He ended not being able to continue after we entered the rank just one level till my dream of a black belt. I started teaching, and became interested in owning my own studio.

      I went back to school this time for Business Management, so I can run the business end.You should always be prepared to succeed and I certainly was not. I received my Black Belt June 23, 2014 and was awarded my ATA August 2014. Here is where it got good, some how I fell in love with school, I had a non transfer degree I was done right? No I was not. I was told about a program at Western Washington University, where I could transfer and achieve a Bachelor’s of Arts degree. I needed recommendations, and I had to interview to get in. I thought well that sucks, I could never do that. Well my wife said if they don’t let you in, don’t worry anymore about school, but you are going to put in 100 % into getting in. I did, though I blew off a scholarship for Phi Theta Kappa because I didn’t think it would happen. Well it did, I received my bachelor’s on June 10, 2017 and was accepted into a masters program on June 19, 2017.

     Now life isn’t perfect for me, I was suppose to test for my second degree black belt on October 2016, but my heart went bad. I was diagnosed with with C. H. F ( Congestive Heart Failure ). Well I am who I am, I am testing for my second degree black belt in October of this year. Am I ready? I don’t know, I do know this: January they said ( on my forty second birthday mind you) that I will need a heart transplant within two years. Ugh life’s over right? Heck no. I know someone will die either for me or I will, but that doesn’t mean I am done now. I just got done being in the top three for a job, no I didn’t get it, but I made it to the second interview, I am in a masters program, I help others, and I have people in my life who judge me, based on me, not on how I look, or my illnesses. I think outside the box, depression was an old friend I kick to the curb, and if I only have a year and a half—I will continue to follow the path that shows the most love. My name is Bruce Alan Weller Jr and I will never again hide what I have, for if you understand anything about us. We as a people with mental health issues, are smart, hard working, and work very hard on proving everyone wrong! I know I am not the only one to do it!

The Noise of the Now!

Today I find no love for life. I choose to find myself, and do what I have to. I NEVER TAP OUT. It isn’t a saying it is a life style! I went to cardiac rehap, went to psych appointment, and will go grocery shopping. Life isn’t over because I hate my life at this moment. Life isn’t fair, and it is not easy! It is just life! Live for the now, enjoy your moments. This has been the toughest year of my life! I am nothing but a fighter that lives for the now. The journey is the prize, will I continue to have this prize? Who cares! Enjoying the noise of the now! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻🥋🥋🎓🎓

Damn life is both a bitch and good.

     The truth of my life is I was given a time frame on its expiration, unless I get a transplant. The funny thing is I am not sick enough to be on the list. Here is my issue- shut your trap about the time frame. Damn sitting on the idea you are set to go by a certain date. Please -mess with people much? 

      Me I went back finished my BA, and enrolled in an MA program. Life is a journey I refuse to lose. Never Tap Out is who I am. Like me, hate me, means nothing to me. 

     The journey is the victory. The finish isn’t nothing but a place to begin the next journey. When someone tells you who you are, face them and say thanks, though how would you know? You fight my battles that go on in my head? No, then shut your damn mouth. I love people who have no clue as to what you face everyday, tell you how it’s going to get better, and to not worry! Bite me! My worse battle daily is getting up! 

✌🏻from your 🎓🥋