Tag: recovery

Hating the Carbon Copy Jr syndrome.

I am compared with other people way to much, to the extent i fully believe my own family doesn’t know me. They dont. Let me tell you not even my own head rules me. If i fear it, get beaten by it, or you like, or dont like me. NOTHING stops me from running through it.

I might project a lot. I once tried even being me, now i am. I might be like others. But no one will be told they are like me. What I am saying; now that i know i am insane, I no longer insane! 🤣😂😅🤔😎

I dont let my head rule me anymore. If people truly understood what i think- well i glad they dont. I like this statement, i might not make sense, i really do not have too.

The thing that used to ruled me, was feeling like i was a carbon copy. You are just like so and so. Now i am not. I get to remind myself of this when a person says i am like another, for a reason of assumption. The truth of life is what rules us. I am different, and no one cares what is truly the thing that destroys them the most. I look and have similarities to certain people. I AM NOT THEM.

Thats what destroyed me for years, till i realized, why would anyone care to know just a carbon copy. So i became truly COLORFUL. Thus i made a family who saw me. Thus i might opinionated, but it is truly known i have different opinions. The hurt isnt gone, how i react is. Thus the point.

The funny part of this is that those people who have spent a lifetime comparing me, are getting mad because i compare myself to the same people. Seriously i am the crazed one?

What Matters is you, those that allow me to see I am not alone

When i started this blog, what matter was opening the world to what is inside the head of a mental health client. It was to let everyone in on the similarities we all share. The problem we face are, that most people look at the differences of those around them.

I am in a great position to speak about both mental, and physical health, I have both. I have done a lot in my life. The truth of who i am, is not the journey, but the way i have overcome the obstacles that were put in front of me. I wanted to be accepted in the world, the reality is that i am. I am loved for my desire to be of service and help others. It was mental health, because it was what was dealing with at the time. It is the world i knew. The ups and downs were all about the mental health. Then it happened.

My world collapsed around me, while I fought on. See as my world collapsed, I still kept going, three little words availed me a way to fight. “NEVER TAP OUT!”

I ended up with an enlarged heart, and this began a very difficult period of my life. My 42nd birthday, I was told that I would either have to have a heart transplant, or i was done. I am 43 now, and my heart has gotten better. That two year mark has increased to a longer time frame.

This happened during my college days at the university i attended. The quarter I was supposed to graduate in, i had to miss due to this issue. I still went back after fighting to get some of my tuition so I could finish. I finished, and tried an online masters program. I was only able to complete one term, but i have a 4.0 there.

I decided to go back to work, and I did. The doctor’s are baffled by my drive to beat out my biggest challenge- me. I always thought this was a new way i did things, it isn’t. I have been figuring out ways to keep going forward my whole life. It isn’t life, without challenges. I can’t see myself from the outside, so how can I know that I am not like everyone else? I am not unique though, just a little different than the society’s version of the norm.

I look at the similarities of all people, we as a whole have similar feelings, different experiences, and issues. It why mental, and physical health reaches out to all kinds of people. The world is not about fairness, it is about getting up each time we fall down. I recently realized that this blog isn’t about me, it is about a person who doesn’t know how to quit. We all have that in us.

I am here to say that you are not alone, and we can conquer anything together. I need everyone that is in my life to show me the way. I hope i can help others in the same way. Learning that I was not alone was the greatest gift i have ever received. I am here to pay it forward.

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3-12-2017

     This morning my day began with a dream about school, thinking about getting ahead in each class. When I started out at Skagit College I was always ahead in every class, until the teachers couldn’t keep up with me. I wanted to continue that when I got to Western Washington University, but it became harder to do so, not because I didn’t have the chances, but because I was burnt out a bit. I didn’t struggle much, but I became to procrastinate with my work, and that was not me. The teachers didn’t believe that I read everything, so I stopped reading everything, until the last moment. I was irritated that they wouldn’t believe me. I am very driven, wouldn’t you be if everyone with a degree in psychology you had met before your success told you that you’re an idiot?  

      I found a place in being prepared by following the seven p’s (prior, proper, planning, prevents, piss, poor, preformance). I have since added an eighth p (with purpose), for I believe that I want to use what I learn to help others. I started my high school years with a 0.9 GPA, and hated everything about school, for I was a weird kid that no one wanted to be around. Kids hated me, and I hated them. I had not really become bipolar yet, but I was a screaming ADHD, with PTSD from childhood assaults. 

     Life wasn’t very good in the realm of sanity for me. I just wanted to be left alone, but I also wanted friends. I thus turn to hurting myself, drinking, and drugging, for I could hide in plain sight. When I drink I became a happy go lucky kid, I was freaking normal finally. Where had alcohol been, when I was five? When the kids started hating on me? Why was I always different? Life was a difficult transition from pain to pain, always something that hurt me mentally. I found myself in my second sophomore year, I stopped using, and focused on church where I begun to change.

      I chose my life because my father suggested strongly that I go into the military, I needed to graduate high school. I also began to wrestle, and my grades shot up, so I signed up for the United States Navy, and I finished high school with the help of night school, with a 2.0 overall average. The problem with all that was I was put on medication once when I was younger for ADHD, but I was taken off of it, so I had to this all without the focus I should have had. It wasn’t no ones fault, it just was. 

     I was on leave after ‘A’ school when my mind flipped, see I kissed my first girl (and more), and my bipolar kicked in because of my PTSD from my five year old self. I ended up out of the military and turned back to my friends alcohol, and drugs. I did not understand it was bipolar at first, I thought I it was just me, wanting to find a way to survive in my own skin, I was a whack job. I didn’t come into becoming successful, until I started martial arts, thus not realizing I had re-discovered my ADHD, I thought I just discovered I had it.

     I found my love for school, and homework. This was from a kid who was very proud of a thirteen percent homework grade in high school. I am still afraid of people, I just fight through it. I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but no it has not, what has gotten easier is my desire to not let my mental health end what I love to do. I love to read, learn, teach, and help others. 

     The government says I can’t work, when people say I can’t, I prove them wrong, it is actually what I am good at. I have had three doctors tell me I am below average intelligence, maybe average at best in somethings, and they have stated I can’t multitask, here is the problem with that, my brain works differently, and is not constructed for their boxes. I am smart within my own structure, and will never pass an IQ test with high numbers. I find my place is not in a box, but many boxes. I can learn in ways that are not categorized by these tests, thus making it hard, but not impossible to succeed in school. I was very successful at Skagit College where my GPA was 3.7 and I am still being bother to apply to Columbia university in NYC,  and LSU. I have had offers to apply to Kentucky University, Gonzaga, and Notre Dame. 

     Now I know these were just invites to apply, but I did get in to Western Washington University, so would it be so far fetched to think I couldn’t get into these schools? Life is about chances, I was not given these types before. I am not an idiot, I just think differently, when people let me learn in the ways I now know work, I become successful in my life. I have been Vice President in Phi Theta Kappa, and the Skagit affiliate of NAMI, I have become an assist instructor and started my own class that still goes on long time pass the two plus years I taught it, and I had to find a new dream due to the fact I achieved my childhood dream. So some of us just need people to stop putting us in their little boxes, so we can explore how we learn and we can excel in the ways we were meant to. Life isn’t easy, life is just life.